Josh Wahler quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Whose is this?

(interview) Food is sex, and everybody likes sex, and everybody likes food. I want to make people feel like they just had great sex.

Unfortunately, it's raw. Raw foie gras. Take that. [gives a piece to Josh and they both taste] Thank you.

(interview) That foie gras was goddamn perfect.

That is way, way, way too salty, my man.

(interview) OK, I'll give him, it was a little salty.

While it's total chaos in the red kitchen, in the blue kitchen, the retirement home chef seems to be feeling all of his 48 years.

[washing his face with water] Oh, fuck.

(interview) I'd like to see Aaron get better.

Oh, fuck.

(interview) Get better at cooking.

I'm kind of dizzy right now. I'll be back in five, gentlemen.

(interview) He just gave up. I would never walk off the line short of being punched in the face. Finish your night.

You've gone white.

[whimpering] Chef, I don't want to quit because of me. I don't want to quit because...

Hey.

But, I don't want to quit because of the guys, they're trying so hard. Everybody's trying really hard.

Hey, shhhhhhhh. Relax, relax, relax.

With Aaron taking early retirement from the meat station, Josh jumps in and tries to save the day.

Two minutes -- Eddie, are you okay with two minutes on that?

Yes.

Okay, two minutes!

Come on guys, no bickering, let's do it!

(interview) I was born for this.

Come on guys! (interview) Unfortunately, I myself walked into the deepest pile of the shit.

Josh,

Yes, chef?

How many portions of chicken are overcooked?

One, two, three, four, and that's all the chicken that we have, chef.

So we've got no chicken anywhere?

We have no chicken, chef.

Taste that. It's overcooked and peppery, Brad! Fucking wake up will you please, yes? That's the second one by two different cooks. One fucking risotto, as quick as possible please.

Yes, chef.

Josh, what are you doing there, what are you doing there with that chicken there? Is that dry?

No, chef.

It looks dry from here. Just touch that, that's the skin, my man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, chef. Yes, chef. [Gordon smashes the chicken from the plate] (interview) Did that honestly just happen? What just happened?

That's it, fuck it! [throws the chicken on the floor] That's dry.

Yes, chef.

You, you, you, you! Hey, you, you! Come here! You, come here! Hey, you! Fucking come here, you! [calls out Aaron] Where's that fucking cowboy? Aaron! [Aaron enters the kitchen] Now you've (Josh) got dry chicken. You fucking donkey. You (Eddie) can't even do a fucking risotto, you know that? You (Aaron) can't even filet a fucking fish! You, you, you, you, you, you, fuck off out of here. Get out. GET OUT! The fucking girls will finish the meal service. Get out!

Julia, what you got in here is enough for two orders.

Okay.

I'm going to toss all this (spaghetti) out. [dumps it in the garbage]

Away next, scallop, risotto, spaghetti yes?

Ladies, spaghetti!

You need more spaghetti Julia? Oh, I fucking just tossed it! Let me just get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. (interview) We had an order for spaghetti and I threw out what we had and I just decided to retrieve the spaghetti from the top of the garbage and washed it. 212 (degrees) kills the bacteria and I decided to serve it.

Where did you get it from?

The garbage on top.

Oh no, no, no. No way. (interview) Who in the world picks food out of the trash? You can't just do anything in the heat of the moment.

(not having seen what Jen did) How long Julia?

Six minutes chef.

Oh dear.

Julia's quality control kept garbage from being served and Jen should consider herself lucky Chef Ramsay didn't witnessed her mistake. Meanwhile in the blue kitchen, the pressure is on Josh and Brad to get out some entrées.

Let's do two wellingtons, one turbot. Lets go.

Josh, did you hear that? I'm going on two wellingtons. Can you, I need you guys to go.

That's not a problem. How long on the wellingtons?

I can go right now.

No, I can't.

You can't? I need to pull this out then.

Hey, JOSH!

Yes, chef.

Fucking little bastard. Hey, are you just trying to sabotage them?

No way, chef.

So that it makes you look good?

No way, chef.

Who's the first person you should be telling?

I should talk to him (Brad), chef. I should talk to meat station. It was my fault, chef. (defensively) No sabotage. (interview) I wasn't trying to sabotage. Are you crazy?

You deserve a kick in the nuts.

Yes, chef.

Hey, start the fucking table again.

Brad, two minutes.

Yes, no go in two minutes 45 seconds.

Hold on, there's someone being dishonest. Lift the bottom of the wellington over. [Brad does so] Oh come on. You give me them anaemic bits of shit, I'll fucking throw them up your arse sideways. [kicks a bin] Where's your fucking brains? I just cannot believe this! Can we have the two main courses TOGETHER? [kicks the bins] SHIT!

Table 20, spaghetti undercooked chef.

Blue, yes?

Oui chef.

Where's fucking pretty-boy sushi man (Josh), where is he?

Right here, chef.

Complaint: raw spaghetti. No don't fucki-- [grunts] The fuck you call that? What do you think you are? WWF... Wrestling? Dick. Taste it!

I'm just getting so fucking wound up. It's not going anywhere. We're not getting anything out. Everything's fucking done, clearly given up, and it's fucking embarrassing.

No, chef!

[returning with a dish] Chef?

Aw, fuck off! Oh, fuck off! [kicks a bin] Fuck off! What did they say?

Chicken being cold, chef.

Ah?

Chicken being cold.

Right, hey, gentlemen. Hey, ladies, yeah, all look good well over. Hey, Barbie! (Bonnie) Do your hair before you come over! Stone-cold chicken, fucking salty fucking garnish, yeah? And fucking - there you go chef, there you go. [drops the dish on the floor] Fucking clear down.

(interview) Chef was furious. He dropped the plate, he said "Fuck off! Shut down!" And we were SO goddamn close again! Damn it.

Now it all comes down to the meat entrée.

(interview) Tied 1-1. All the pressure is riding on...me.

Third and final dish. Please present the meat entrées.

(to Jen) We shouldn't send it.

Please present the meat entrées together.

Ready, Jen?

Jen, don't send it. Don't.

Melissa, I don't know what you're trying to do, or whether you're trying to upset our guests. But right now, I'm starting to get pissed. Now will you send your food?

Let's go. [Rock and Jen bring the meat entrées to the table.]

Right. Domes off. [Rock and Jen reveal their dishes, Jen's dish is a small dried up duck breast on a bare plate.] Alright... okay... ahem...

(interview) There are no words to say how humiliating it was serving a piece of shit duck to a husband and wife to be. I really wanted to disintegrate.

Oh dear. Jen.

Yes, chef?

Describe the dish.

That's a duck breast... um...

First of all, I'm deeply embarrassed.

I am as well. (interview) I was so embarrassed you know. They probably think I cooked it. I had nothing to do with that!

Rock, please explain.

We have a dry aged rib eye that's been pan seared and served with wild mushroom cream sauce.

Thank you. [gives Carlotta the rib eye and Cyrus the duck breast]

[trying to cut through the duck] Oh wow, this is really tough.

I'm so sorry. Nobody's going to be eating that, are they? [takes the duck away and covers it with a napkin, then looks at the Red Team in disgust]

[tasting the rib eye] This is delicious. That's great.

Definitely.

Rock's rib eye easily beats the women's lame duck and the men win their first challenge in Hell's Kitchen.

(interview) Two things are happening right now. Number one, we finally got a win and we feel great about it. Number two, it's open hunting season on chicks and we're about to start picking them off one by one.

My, er, apologies, and we'll do all that we can to make sure it's a very special day. Thank you for joining us for the tasting.

Thank you. [she and Cyrus leave]

(to the Red Team) You four Hell's Bitches, I am embarrassed. I don't think I've ever, EVER been so embarrassed inside this restaurant in my entire life. That was a joke! You should be ashamed. All four of you are going to work your asses off. Get - out - my - sight.

(to Josh) You still look fabulous by the way, yeah? You should be covering GQ: you, front cover, "Captain Dick".

(interview) Chef wants to put me on the cover of GQ. That's fine and good. But what I'm waiting for is for him to put me in charge of Green Valley Ranch.

Where is the sauce for the seabass?

It's right here, Chef. (brings his sauce to the pass)

Josh is moving fast to get entrees to the pass.

Hey you, come here.

...maybe, a little too fast.

Heat the sauce up! IT'S STONE-COOOOOOOLD! Look at him, running around with a pan! Oh, my-GET IT ON THE STOVE!

Losers, unfortunately, your punishment is at the other end of the spectrum. It's incredibly unglamourous. I can't think of any worse place to be. Today, I'm looking for everything that's possible to be recycled from every garbage bin inside this restaurant.

I've never seen anything inside of a garbage can that should be taken out. I might find this a little difficult.

I can guarantee that within one hour, you'll find something.

(interview) Chef Ramsay tells us that they get to go to In Touch magazine and we have to dig through some fucking trash. I grew up in the ghetto in the hood. I ain't never been in no trash.

Let's take our punishment like gentlemen.

Brad, thank you for being a man.

Thank you chef.

I guess I'm not a man. [starts throwing and slamming stuff as the blue team cleans up the kitchen] (interview) I'm pissed off! That was the dumbest fucking decision I've seen! That was bullshit!

(interview) Rock, he was pissed. Pissed to the point where I thought he was going to flip out.

What kind of shit is that?

(interview) I'm sorry, "thought". He flipped out.

Lobster bisque.You can get that shit at motherfucking Corner Bakery! (interview) You can go everywhere and get a fucking lobster soup! A grilled bullshit salad with some fucking apple! ORIGINALITY! BE CREATIVE!

And they get the fucking win! (interview) They're not creative over there and we lose?! What the fuck is original about a crab and lobster bisque?! NOTHING!

Does Rock always get that mad?

I've never seen Rock that mad.

Never.

Melissa?

Yes, Chef?

It's like paper scallops.

I'll get new ones, Chef.

[handing Melissa's scallops to Brad and Josh] There you go.

(interview) Some of the scallops she did, they were, like, thin as a paper; there's like nothing there.

Pass it back to Chef Melissa, the fucking gremlin. Everything she touches, she screws, there you go.

Sorry guys.

Hey, madam, this is not our first night?

Yes, chef. No, chef.

"Yes, chef. No, chef?" Fucking gremlin.

Monkfish chef.

Eh, right. Uhm, Fish King, (Josh) come here you. There's the monkfish.

Overcooked?

It's overcooked.

Oh, god almighty. You don't know that's overcooked?

Sorry chef.

Hey, Brad, she doesn't know that's overcooked. Rock, she doesn't know that's chewed to fuck and overcooked. Scott, she doesn't know that's overcooked?

Oh, my God. Completely.

(interview) Melissa was nervous, I could see it in her eyes and she fell apart. The monkfish was overdone. Pressure busts pipes, baby!

It looks like regurgitated dog shit. Where's other monkfish gone?

I have one left chef.

Oh, no! So the six top on order are all shit?

Yes.

No, no, no! Right Rock, listen to me, no choice now. Stop the veg, get on the fish. You! (Melissa) Oi, oi! Get on the garnish. Get the fuck off of there! Get off!

(to Josh) Where's the lamb? How long please? HOW LONG, PLEASE?

Lamb's coming right now, chef.

Let's go.

Yes, chef.

Hey, you. Hey, donkey.

Yes, chef.

One's nicely cooked, yeah, coloured, one's boiled. Fuck off, will you? So we're under pressure now and this is where it separates the fucking chef from a donkey! Come here! Let me tell you something.

Yes, chef.

Let me tell you something in your ear: YOU CAN'T COOK! That's what's just been confirmed to me.

Good to go? We're coming, Rock.

Yeah, you're coming. So is your fucking elimination. Come round. Just look what you're doing here, you DOUGHNUT! Look - boiled, boiled, boiled, boiled. DONKEY!

Yes, chef.

I expected perfect!

For the first time in Hell's Kitchen, the women and men must work together in one kitchen to feed the entire dining room.

I'm going to have the spaghetti with crab.

I'll have scallops for appetizers.

On order, four covers table 32: Scallops, mullet, langoustine straight after yes?

Yes, chef! (interview) I'm working app(etizer)s tonight. I am 100% confident in myself to get the team started off with a bang. (to his teammates) Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

[finds that Josh has cooked risotto ahead] Why is the risotto on? We haven't even got one away. How long has that been on there for?

That's been on there for four minutes. These were on there earlier. They're going away.

[finds that Josh has cooked five other risottos] Fucking h-- how many are you doing? Can someone stop this guy? Have you stopped panicking, my ma-- how many fucking risottos are you doing up front? Look at all these pans!

Yes, chef.

What's going on? Let me just tell you something: we've opened, we haven't served anything yet, and we've lost money! What a fucking doughnut!