Melissa Firpo quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Melissa. You're running the appetisers, yes?

Yes.

You're running ahead, and no-one's with you. You're not a team player. Right now, I need some team fucking spirit!

Yes, chef!

Or I'll kick you out, and I'll do the fucking section myself!

Yes, chef!

I know what your game is. You just want to get all the appetisers out.

No chef, I swear to God that's not true.

Look good, [pretends to put makeup on] Oh, fuck me. [pretends to adjust his boobs] Oh, fuck me! Fuck off. Piss off. Fucking bimbo.

Bonnie, do I sear it until it gets really, really crispy?

No, you have to do it very slowly. It's not a sear.

[pushing in next to Julia] What's the problem? Julia, ask me if you have any questions.

Alright...

What is your problem, Melissa?

You're supposed to listen to me, not Bonnie.

(interview) Excuse me?

Check in on your duck, Julia. You took it out of the oven.

Yeah, so it won't burn.

I think you should stick it back in, just for a little while.

But it's already medium.

Guys, all the food has to be plated hot. I'm assuming that you have just a little bit of knowledge of how to cook...

Don't assume!

...otherwise, you shouldn't be here.

I thought that you knew how to cook, too!

(to herself) I am above all this.

Argue, argue. Hell's Bitches, Hell's Bitches. Yes!

Now it all comes down to the meat entrée.

(interview) Tied 1-1. All the pressure is riding on...me.

Third and final dish. Please present the meat entrées.

(to Jen) We shouldn't send it.

Please present the meat entrées together.

Ready, Jen?

Jen, don't send it. Don't.

Melissa, I don't know what you're trying to do, or whether you're trying to upset our guests. But right now, I'm starting to get pissed. Now will you send your food?

Let's go. [Rock and Jen bring the meat entrées to the table.]

Right. Domes off. [Rock and Jen reveal their dishes, Jen's dish is a small dried up duck breast on a bare plate.] Alright... okay... ahem...

(interview) There are no words to say how humiliating it was serving a piece of shit duck to a husband and wife to be. I really wanted to disintegrate.

Oh dear. Jen.

Yes, chef?

Describe the dish.

That's a duck breast... um...

First of all, I'm deeply embarrassed.

I am as well. (interview) I was so embarrassed you know. They probably think I cooked it. I had nothing to do with that!

Rock, please explain.

We have a dry aged rib eye that's been pan seared and served with wild mushroom cream sauce.

Thank you. [gives Carlotta the rib eye and Cyrus the duck breast]

[trying to cut through the duck] Oh wow, this is really tough.

I'm so sorry. Nobody's going to be eating that, are they? [takes the duck away and covers it with a napkin, then looks at the Red Team in disgust]

[tasting the rib eye] This is delicious. That's great.

Definitely.

Rock's rib eye easily beats the women's lame duck and the men win their first challenge in Hell's Kitchen.

(interview) Two things are happening right now. Number one, we finally got a win and we feel great about it. Number two, it's open hunting season on chicks and we're about to start picking them off one by one.

My, er, apologies, and we'll do all that we can to make sure it's a very special day. Thank you for joining us for the tasting.

Thank you. [she and Cyrus leave]

(to the Red Team) You four Hell's Bitches, I am embarrassed. I don't think I've ever, EVER been so embarrassed inside this restaurant in my entire life. That was a joke! You should be ashamed. All four of you are going to work your asses off. Get - out - my - sight.

Losers, unfortunately, your punishment is at the other end of the spectrum. It's incredibly unglamourous. I can't think of any worse place to be. Today, I'm looking for everything that's possible to be recycled from every garbage bin inside this restaurant.

I've never seen anything inside of a garbage can that should be taken out. I might find this a little difficult.

I can guarantee that within one hour, you'll find something.

(interview) Chef Ramsay tells us that they get to go to In Touch magazine and we have to dig through some fucking trash. I grew up in the ghetto in the hood. I ain't never been in no trash.

Let's take our punishment like gentlemen.

Brad, thank you for being a man.

Thank you chef.

I guess I'm not a man. [starts throwing and slamming stuff as the blue team cleans up the kitchen] (interview) I'm pissed off! That was the dumbest fucking decision I've seen! That was bullshit!

(interview) Rock, he was pissed. Pissed to the point where I thought he was going to flip out.

What kind of shit is that?

(interview) I'm sorry, "thought". He flipped out.

Lobster bisque.You can get that shit at motherfucking Corner Bakery! (interview) You can go everywhere and get a fucking lobster soup! A grilled bullshit salad with some fucking apple! ORIGINALITY! BE CREATIVE!

And they get the fucking win! (interview) They're not creative over there and we lose?! What the fuck is original about a crab and lobster bisque?! NOTHING!

Does Rock always get that mad?

I've never seen Rock that mad.

Never.

Melissa?

Yes, Chef?

It's like paper scallops.

I'll get new ones, Chef.

[handing Melissa's scallops to Brad and Josh] There you go.

(interview) Some of the scallops she did, they were, like, thin as a paper; there's like nothing there.

Pass it back to Chef Melissa, the fucking gremlin. Everything she touches, she screws, there you go.

Sorry guys.

Hey, madam, this is not our first night?

Yes, chef. No, chef.

"Yes, chef. No, chef?" Fucking gremlin.

Monkfish chef.

Eh, right. Uhm, Fish King, (Josh) come here you. There's the monkfish.

Overcooked?

It's overcooked.

Oh, god almighty. You don't know that's overcooked?

Sorry chef.

Hey, Brad, she doesn't know that's overcooked. Rock, she doesn't know that's chewed to fuck and overcooked. Scott, she doesn't know that's overcooked?

Oh, my God. Completely.

(interview) Melissa was nervous, I could see it in her eyes and she fell apart. The monkfish was overdone. Pressure busts pipes, baby!

It looks like regurgitated dog shit. Where's other monkfish gone?

I have one left chef.

Oh, no! So the six top on order are all shit?

Yes.

No, no, no! Right Rock, listen to me, no choice now. Stop the veg, get on the fish. You! (Melissa) Oi, oi! Get on the garnish. Get the fuck off of there! Get off!