Gilmore Girls · Season 3
I can’t do this.
What?
Date. I can’t date. I’m not genetically set up for it.
Not true.
I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I’m covered in hives, I’ve showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn’t even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don’t wind up in a restaurant that’s really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
All right, you got home too late last night and I didn’t get a chance to talk to you.
I got home at ten and you were already asleep.
Well, I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance again.
Okay, what did I miss?
Okay. Kirk asked me out.
Shut up!
Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.
That’s so sweet.
Sweet?
You should wear your dress with the ponies on it. I bet he likes ponies.
Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk.
Why?
Uh huh. . .why? He's. . .he's Kirk!
Well, as long as he loves you.
You are not serious.
I just want you to be happy.
: Hello Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather Kirk. Please don't make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter.
My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time — maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.
Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait…
I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
Oh my God.
Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
Shauna Christy shot her husband.
What?
Shauna Christy, you remember Shauna Christy.
Yes I remember Shauna Christy, she was a lovely girl.
Well apparently this lovely girl came home to find her husband giving a nice little bonus package to the maid. And they say good help is hard to find.
That's just gossip.
Gossip? The man was shot 35 times! He looks like a sprinkler system!
I can’t believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl. She was bright, cultured, well-spoken.
And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan.
This is not funny, the woman committed a crime.
Okay, fine.
This is a tragedy.
My bad, sorry.
A man is dead, a young woman ruined.
Consider the subject dropped.
At least she had a husband to kill.
[Rory's bedroom - Rory wakes up and sees Lorelai sitting in a chair staring at her]
How long have you been sitting there?
Not long. An hour. . .and a half.
Why?
Because.
'Cause why?
Because today is the last first day of high school you’re ever gonna have.
You’re insane.
I’m not insane, I’m just sentimental, and you’re grown.
I’m not grown.
Yes, you are, you’re all grown up and soon you’ll be going off into the world.
Not yet.
But soon. And after you spread those wings and fly away, I won’t have the opportunity to give you this.
[Lorelai hands her a piece of paper]
What is it?
It’s your bill.
My what?
Yeah. I’ve been crunching the numbers, you know, adding up what you’ve cost me over the years – raising you, clothing you, feeding you, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Mmhmm.
Yes, I’ve itemized everything here by years and income ratio. I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
Oh boy.
One thing that’s painfully obvious here – you’ve used an extraordinary number of diapers.
I’m gonna go take a shower.
Really, it’s cost a fortune. What were you using all those diapers for?
I was building my ‘make Mommy go away’ castle.
I could care less about you and Shane.
Good.
It just surprised me that's all.
Why?
Because.
Because why?
Because of what happened at Sookie's Wedding.
Ah.
So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane kind a threw me a bit.
I'm sorry, did I hear from you at all this summer? Did I happen to miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me or did the postman lose the letters you sent to me? You kiss me, tell me not to say anything, very flattering by the way. You go off to Washington and then nothing and you're all put out 'cause I didn't sit here and wait for you like Dean would have done. Oh yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him? Because last time I checked you were and I haven't heard anything to the contrary. Plus the two of you walking around the other day like a damn Annie Hardy movie, it seemed to me like you were pretty together. I half expected you to break into a bar and put on a show.
When did you see me with Dean?
At that summer insanity thing the town put on.
I'm surprised that you could see anything with Shane's head plastered to your face.
You didn't answer me.
About what?
Did you call me at all?
No.
Did you send me a letter?
No.
A postcard?
No.
Smoke signal?
Stop!
A nice fruit basket?
Enough.
Are you still with Dean? Come on Rory, yes or no? Are you still with Dean?
Yes I'm still with Dean! Yes.
Glad to hear it.
Glad to tell you.
See ya around.
Whatever.
Right back at you.
Well, we spent the first ten minutes on him bugging me to volunteer for more stuff at school, or in lieu of that to make a donation to build the new basketball court, and then another couple of minutes of me convincing him that what sounded like me going "Ha!" was really me clearing my throat, but after that we had a very pleasant, productive conversation.
He's going to be expecting Chilton High School senior, Trixie McBimbo.
And her mother, Bambi McBimbo.
State your full name. Better not get that one wrong, and nickname if any.
That would be Rory.
Or droopy drawers.
That was never my nickname.
Wrong! I called you that as a baby.
What?
That's right. Once you had these little Oshkosh cords and they were way to big. Once at the mall they fell right down to your knees and I said "Whoa there droopy drawers". I'm just afraid if we don't answer every thing accurately the Harvard police will come and hit you with an Atlas and say something mean in Latin.
You wanna open the soda shop in the space next to the diner?
It’s the only one that’s appropriate.
Taylor, no. No, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no!" And when I die, I’m gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How’s Ted?", followed closely by, "Taylor, no!"
Hey, maybe instead of going to college, you should drop out and I could quit my job and we can form an all-girl band with Lane, you know, like Bananarama. We could call it Tangerinarama or Banana-fana-fo-fana-rama. . .or something.
What’s that, a toy?
Oh, it’s awfully cute.
That is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business.
Wow, there’s little people and everything.
They look so real.
Hey, it’s me holding a tiny zucchini!
Look at the horse drawn carriage.
My thought was to park it out front with the name of the business painted on the side. It’s very eighteen-hundreds.
The horse is taller than the front door.
Way taller.
What are you up to, Taylor? Are you breeding giant horses?
It’s slightly out of proportion.
Slightly? That little guy there could walk right under the horse without even ducking.
So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
The other side of…
The other side.
With Republicans?
[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet.]
Oh my God.
What?
Jimmy Buffett?
Put that back.
You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
Sing Margaritaville.
No.
That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
Stay outta this.
Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono.
I told her that.
All right, let's go eat… see if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
