Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye.
S4The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais
Okay, well, I wrote something down here, but I cannot for the life of me read my own handwriting. Seriously, if I had this analyzed, Charlize Theron would be playing me in a movie… 'Cause I'd be a serial killer, and pretty girls like to get fat and play serial killers 'cause they win an Oscar and - I'm sorry, should I go on?
I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids.
JJanet
He does not take steroids.
You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.
He's big, Paris. She got it.
And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.
JJanet
Bitter little woman.
S4Scene in a Mall
I am sorry but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.
I could have sworn I told you.
I just reread every e-mail you sent in the last 10 days. No sickness mentioned, but you did share these gems: "What up? Is it freezing there too? Ice". And, "Phew, Pooped". Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting.
That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.
You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.
Yours aren't much better.
SSalesperson
Mrs. Gilmore. Did I know you were coming?
Not unless you're clairvoyant.
Add an assortment of jewelry suitable for a man with a mustache. What would that be: bracelets, pinky rings?
Does Dad even want any of this stuff?
He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants. [stops in front of globe] Excuse me!
SSalesperson
Yes?
I want this.
SSalesperson
I'm sorry ma'am, that's just a display. It's not for sale.
Everything is for sale.
SSalesperson
I will take care of it.
S4The Reigning Lorelai
[Emily's friend "Sweetie" has just died.]
Was that her real name — "Sweetie"?
No, her name was "Melinda". "Sweetie" was a nickname.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
I mean, how did they get "Sweetie" from "Melinda"?
They didn't get "Sweetie" from "Melinda". "Sweetie" is a nickname.
Yes, I know "Sweetie" was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
She was sweet. That's the story.
Okay.
: She had a very sweet nature.
Hmm.
Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her "Sweetie". It's a good story.
No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's…
All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man — so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name "Sweetie". There, how was that?
Now, that was a pretty good story.
Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
Well, good, more ordering choices.
Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?
You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran. I mean, like, what was her maiden name?
Gilmore.
No, no, her maiden name.
Gilmore.
Wait. Y-you're not saying -
She and Charles were second cousins.
Ew! What?!
Oh, don't act so scandalized. It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
Keeping the bloodlines closed. Is that what we're calling it?
Well, what would you call it?
Oh, I don't know. How about "Good morning, Appalachia, I got a mighty cute sister and an extra set of toes."
This is to your father. It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.
Hmm. That's nice.
[reading] "My Dearest Richard, It is with heavy heart that I write you this letter tonight, but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake. Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed that you would come to the same conclusion that I have. But you have not, and therefore, I feel it is my duty as your mother to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage." [Lorelai gasps.] "I'm sure that Emily is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you. She will not be able to make you happy. She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark. She is simply not a Gilmore."
Well, sure, 'cause you weren't directly related to him.
[continues reading] "I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn Lott, but it is still my belief that she is much better suited for you than Emily." [Voice breaking] "I know that the timing of this is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."
No way!
[reading] "But your happiness is too important to me, so timing be damned."
I was just wondering if it's going to be okay to set up a buffet in the dining room.
I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do? You think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because personally, I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin, stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.
Is she serious?
S4Girls in Bikinis, Boys Doin' the Twist
It's "Girls Gone Wild," and boys doing the twist. We're not spring-breaky people, are we?
I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos and rattle-headed frat boys seems like a very good trade off for being warm.
Warm...
Warm...
You're not worried, are you? Because I'm just going for the sun and to read, nothing more.
I know, I know. It's just, it's always the good kids who've never had a drink that take one sip of Kahlua and fall out of a window.
So you're sad you never taught me how to drink?
Exactly!
Well, grab a bottle and some quarters and let's go.
...
No falling out of windows.
Not even a first floor one.
And don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.