Lorelai Gilmore quotes from Gilmore Girls

Lorelai

Not at all sad?

Rory

About getting my arm back? No.

Lorelai

Really? ‘Cause I’ve kind of gotten used to Casty over here. I mean, we decorated him, we talked to him, we protected him from getting wet in the shower.

Rory

Okay, it’s time to wean you off of getting attached to inanimate objects.

Lorelai

Casty, no one understands you like I do. What? No, I did not know Mr. Band-Aid said that to you. Ugh, I will talk to him when we get home.

Emily

I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.

Lorelai

No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.

Emily

Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.

Luke

Shouldn't we give thanks first?

Jess

Thanks for what?

Luke

Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Lorelai

Amen.

Lorelai

So no offense but what's with that lame-o kiss?

Rory

What?

Lorelai

You and Jess, you look like a couple of chickens pecking each other.

Rory

Mind your own business.

Lorelai

Well it was right in front of me.

Rory

So, I don't need a review.

Emily

If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find?

Lorelai

That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat?

Emily

This couch cannot stay.

Lorelai

Yes, it can.

Emily

It’s awful.

Lorelai

It can hear you.

Lorelai

Okay, so monkey lamp’s in the closet, singing rabbi’s in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia’s under your bed. How do I look?

Rory

Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia.

Lorelai

You look pretty, too.

Lorelai

You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma.

Emily

What are you talking about?

Lorelai

You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example.

Emily

What about you?

Lorelai

Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of.

Emily

Like what?

Lorelai

Like this couch.

Emily

Well, this couch is terrible.

Lorelai

Okay, good – you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore.

Emily

No?

Lorelai

No.

Emily

Why not?

Lorelai

Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it.

Emily

You take pleasure in my disapproval?

Lorelai

I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh.

Emily

I don't know what to think of that.

Lorelai

Think, ‘hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free.

Lorelai

Who would ever have thought that all inns need doors?

Sookie

Not me.

Lorelai

And floors.

Sookie

Doors and floors, we can’t afford that.

Lorelai

Well, we better, otherwise our guests will fall right through to China.

Sookie

I can just imagine the phone calls.

Emily

That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.

Lorelai

Hm.

Emily

You might at least act surprised.

Lorelai

It’s not the first time, is it?

Emily

It most certainly is.

Lorelai

Really?

Emily

Yes, Lorelai, really.

Lorelai

Well, then, I’m surprised.

Rory

Which maid was it?

Emily

Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.

Lorelai

Which one was she?

Rory

You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.

Lorelai

God, I beat that dead horse.

Rory

With glee.

Emily

She was the clomper.

Lorelai

The clomper?

Emily

She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.

Lorelai

That's why you fired her?

Emily

Yes.

Lorelai

Because she made noise when she walked?

Emily

Yes.

Lorelai

Was she a good maid otherwise?

Emily

What?

Lorelai

Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?

Emily

Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.

Lorelai

Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it?

Emily

What’s that supposed to mean?

Lorelai

It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide?

Emily

I see. So it’s my fault?

Lorelai

I didn’t say that.

Emily

No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?

Lorelai

It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just –

Emily

If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.

Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready

Emily

Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there.

Emily

Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?

Lorelai

Hear what?

Emily

Exactly.

Lorelai

Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need.

Michel

Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?"

Lorelai

Hey, got any good stories?

Luke

Nope, sorry.

Lorelai

Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?

Luke

Jeff Smith?

Lorelai

Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?

Luke

It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?

Luke

So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?

Lorelai

That’s right.

Luke

And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?

Lorelai

Yes.

Luke

And you sanctioned this?

Rory

Yes.

Luke

Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.

Lorelai

The Fishing Channel.

Luke

I fish.

Rory

You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.

Lorelai

[walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.

Rory

Which are?

Lorelai

My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.