Benny Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Hey Benny, it must be nice to have a three-hour lunch break. I wish my son were the manager.

Oh, have you got a son? I just thought a chunk of ugly fell off you.

Max

No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie

...What?!

Max

That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George

Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max

Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

George

Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

Hey, so who are they firing? If it's Crazy Carlos, I'm not coming in tomorrow because he's a shooter.

George

They're not firing anybody. They're making four people team leaders and one of 'em is Ernie.

Ernie? Well, he can't lead a fly to dog poop!

George

[to Benny] What the hell were you thinking? How many times have I told you that this isn't putting out a cigarette?

It wasn't me. I flick it to the neighbor's yard like decent people.

George

[to Carmen] What the hell were you thinking?

Carmen

Why are you accusing me?

George

You snuck out of the house, you got a hicky, you smoked a cigarette, you are one hard lemonade away from arson.

Max

I did it.

George

I knew it. [to Carmen] What did you do to make your brother burn the garage down?

Max

Ricky gave me a bottle rocket, and I shot it off, but I didn't know it would land on the garage. I'm really sorry, Dad.

George

Sorry doesn't cut it. You can say goodbye to your allowance for the next year.

Max

But Dad...

George

No, I don't want to hear it. Max, you destroyed the garage. [realizes] Oh, man, my golf clubs! No, I put them in the car. No, I put them in the garage to clean them! No, I put them back. I don't remember!

George

Alright mom, we're all alone. Let's clear the air. Are there any more lies I should know about?

Yes.

George

What?

Well there's a bunch of things. But I'm gonna space 'em out so I won't look like such a bad person.

George

Angie, your dad's been here for a month, how long is he gonna stay?

Angie

We can't kick him out while he's getting over the divorce, he's staying here as long as he needs to. End of discussion.

George

Alright.

(to Angie) Hey, now I know what you've been knitting, a to-go bag for my son's huevos.

George

[to Carmen] You want to see what happens when you start dating boys too early? [points at Benny] That!

You know what, I wasn't so much dating boys at 15 as....

George

Mom!

Having sex with them. What did you think I was gonna say?

Carmen

I don't believe you!

Showtime, monkeys!

Carmen

You can't threaten my boyfriend!

George

The fake, gay, cover boyfriend, or the boyfriend you've been seeing behind our backs for a month?

Carmen

You read my diary?! I hate you!

George

I know! It's written on every page in here. [reads the diary] "I hate Dad! God, I hate Dad!" "Hey, old lady! Hang up the miniskirt! You're not 15 anymore!" [to Angie] Oh, that one's about you.

Carmen

You had no right to read this.

Angie

You've lost all your rights by lying to us, and if we have to look in your diary to find the truth about Zack, we'll do it.

Carmen

Oh, you wanna know the truth?! Well, here it is! I'm dating Zack because I love him and he loves me too!

Angie

Carmen, he doesn't love you. He's just using you.

George

Look, he told me he was gonna dump you as soon as he gets you into bed. Wake up!

Carmen

You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd say anything to keep us apart!

George

Yeah? Did I make up that he vandalized the factory? That he got a girl pregnant?

Angie

He didn't respect the girl enough to be safe.

Carmen

No, no, no. You guys don't understand Zack. His dad was never there for him, and his mom's a bitter, old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.

George

[to Benny] You wanna field that one? [to Carmen] Okay, you know what? End of discussion. Okay, we did not raise you this far so you can screw up your life with Zack, so there is no way in hell that you are ever gonna see him again!

Carmen

You can't stop me, 'cause I'm almost 16. I'm almost a woman. I can do whatever I want.

George

Not as long as you live in this house. Okay, if you don't like it here, go live somewhere else.

Angie

George, please calm down.

George

Look, I'm not gonna calm down, Angie! I'm tired of her disrespecting us! [to Carmen] Go see what it's like out there! Send us a postcard!

Angie

George!

George

And don't expect me to come looking for you!

Carmen

I wish you weren't my dad.

Carmen

I'm gonna distract Jason with my body and destroy him with my mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I've distracted with my body. Hell, I've destroyed with my body. I remember one time when I distracted one guy while I destroyed the other.

George

I remember that day. You forgot to put a sock on the front door and I walked in on you. That was not a good Mother's Day for me.

Angie

[about Tammy taking a pregnancy test] The test was positive, but she's not. There were a few guys right before him.

And Ernie was the prize?! What sideshow must have been going on in her bedroom?

George

Mom, are you pregnant?

Screw you! The one day I go without my control tops and I got to hear lip from my kid!

You big babies. It was just an aftershock. [several plates almost fall on her] What the hell? [another plate falls next to her]

George

What's with the plates? Come on, God, quit teasing me! Tip over the fridge! Take her out!

Angie

Benny, how much money is this?

$5,000, but you better not tell anyone what's in this book because I could kill you with what's in that book.

George

Where's Carmen?

Angie

At the library.

George

Oh yeah? How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Angie

Because she sent me a picture of her from the library on her cell phone. (hands cell phone to George)

George

Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid. Mom I woulda sent a picture to Social Services of you hitting me.

Come on, if you couldn't hold on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what makes you think you could've held onto a phone?

Angie

Hello?.....Carmen, slow down, what happened? Okay, we're on our way. (hangs up phone)

George

What is it?

Angie

Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

George

What?! I thought you said she was at the library!

Angie

She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought drugs.

George

Lemme see the camera phone.

Hey, what's that for?

George

I'm gonna show her what a hard life of partying does, show me your ankles.

Get out, get out. (angrily chases them out of the house)