Benny Lopez quotes from George Lopez

George

I never pushed Carmen.

George, you can't win. If you push kids and they fail, then it's your fault. And if you push kids and they succeed... actually, I don't know what that's like.

George

Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda

What?!

Angie

Daddy?

No, it was Ernie.

Ernie

Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

George

Dude!

Angie

What?!

Linda

You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

George

Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

Angie

(to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

What?

George

We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

That's not funny!

George

We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

George

The trash can by the drapes?

...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

George

I'm glad you aren't going to work anymore. I don't need any of my coworkers knowing I got chased by a dog.

Well, that ends tomorrow, because I'm going to tell everyone at work about how my little girl, was running out of the house because she was being chased by a teacup poodle!

George

That thing's a hundred pound killer!

Not in my story.

How can I "hell" you?

(to George) I would like a cheesburger. (looks at George and clown head) Wait, I'm talking to the wrong clown head.

George

I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?

George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

George

Where's my work?

Don't you remember my rules?

George

What rules?

I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

George

You threw out my work?!

Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

George

Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Oh sure you do.

George

Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

George

Mom don't ignore me.

[looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

George, what the hell are you?! George!

George

[yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

George

I'm a big, big success!

Angie

George?

George

(to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

George, you remember when you use to wet the bed?

George

It was the only hot water we had.

George

How come you never told me I had any special talents?

Oh, I'm sorry, George. You're right. You did have a special talent. No one can wet the bed like you.

George

I'm gonna use that to water your grave.

George

I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers

You never defended me.

George

It's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.

What did it say?

George

I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.

[about George] Angie, he cheated me. I should have won. I had the highest numbers.

Angie

Is that true? Did she have the highest numbers?

George

Look, she's been cheating on her time card for years.

What does that have to do with this contest? I did the work.

Angie

Well, whoever did the most work should win. I mean, George, you have to be a man of your word.

George

Why? She's never been a man of her word.

[to George] What were you gonna do with me when I die?

George

Pet cemetery!

I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?

George

Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!

Ernie

Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.

Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?

George

Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.

Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!

You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

George

I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

George

I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

George

Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

George

(lies) Yes.

Ernie

(scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

7 times.

George

Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!

At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.

George

No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.

You told him I was dead.

George

So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)

Angie

(after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!

You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.