Angie Lopez quotes from George Lopez

What's going on?

Angie

Uh, you know how, uh, sometimes strangers come by and we find out they're related to your dad? Uh...uh, this is one of those nights. Go.

[as he goes upstairs] Carmen, they found another one!

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[After Benny takes out a wad of cash from a book]

Angie

Benny, how much money is this?

$5,000, but you better not tell anyone what's in this book because I could kill you with what's in that book.

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[When George and Angie learn that Jason's parents abandoned him]

Angie

Well, what kind of parents just leave their kid and then go off to live in another country? That can't be legal.

No, it's not. It's called abandonment. At least that's what the cops said they dragged my mom back from Tijuana and made her untie me from the lemon tree.

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Where's Carmen?

Angie

At the library.

Oh yeah? How do you know she didn't sneak over to Jason's house?

Angie

Because she sent me a picture of her from the library on her cell phone. (hands cell phone to George)

Man, I wish they had these when I was a kid. Mom I woulda sent a picture to Social Services of you hitting me.

Come on, if you couldn't hold on to your sippy cup when I smacked you, what makes you think you could've held onto a phone?

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(phone rings, Angie answers it)

Angie

Hello?.....Carmen, slow down, what happened? Okay, we're on our way. (hangs up phone)

What is it?

Angie

Carmen and Jason just got arrested.

What?! I thought you said she was at the library!

Angie

She lied to us. There was a party at Jason's house and somebody brought drugs.

Lemme see the camera phone.

(Angie hands over the phone, George takes a picture of Benny)

Hey, what's that for?

I'm gonna show her what a hard life of partying does, show me your ankles.

Get out, get out. (angrily chases them out of the house)

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Drugs, Carmen?!

Dad, I can explain. I didn't do any drugs.

Let me guess, you were at the party and the drugs just happened to show up.

Yes!

Is that you talking or the monkey on your back? How many colors do you see, huh junkie?

Angie

George, stop it. STOP IT. (pulls Carmen aside) Carmen, what really happened?

Well, some guys from another school came and crashed the party, and started smoking pot and then the cops came and nobody would admit the drugs were theirs so they brought us all in for questioning.

Oh, honey, why didn't you just say so? Now I believe you.

(flashes a flashlight in her face)

Hurts, doesn't it, junkie?!

Angie

George!

Angie, her pupils are huge!

Angie

They're dark brown, that's the way they always look.

Really? They're not green?

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Vic

[to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.

Angie

You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!

Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

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Angie, there's something you need to know about your dad. Linda, he kissed our mommy. And I'm not talking about a peck on the cheek. I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!

Linda

What?!

Angie

Daddy?

Vic [to Benny] You told!

No, it was Ernie.

Ernie

Hey, hey. I only told because it wasn't fair, all right? The only reason George let him go out with Linda is because Vic paid him two thousand dollars!

Dude!

Angie

What?!

Linda

You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?!

Why you gotta say it like that, negative?

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Wish me luck. I'm off to broker my first deal as an agent.

Angie

What's in the briefcase?

Breath mints and a little black comb.

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Angie

(to Benny): Benny...Your house caught on fire.

What?

We thought you were dead, Mom, Your house burnt down!

That's not funny!

We're not kidding! The fireman said it started in the bedroom. Did you leave a cigarette burning?

No! I'm not an idiot! I put the cigarette out on the ashtray and I dumped the ashtray in the trash can!

The trash can by the drapes?

...Dammit! (Turns to Angie) "Happy Mother's Day, Benny. Hope you enjoy these FLAMMABLE DRAPES!"

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[While Ernie is reading notes to Benny about her house]

Ernie

(first letter) You had it coming. (second letter) You deserve it. (third letter) What the hell does God have to do to finish you off. (fourth letter) I hope you get another house...

Angie

That's not bad.

Ernie (continuing the letter): But this time, paint the windows shut so you burn inside like the wicked witch you are.

Who signed that? I want to send them a Christmas card.

Ernie

Actually the whole neighborhood signed it, like a petition. Whatcha!

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When Jason said he'd love me forever, he meant forever.

When he said that, was your shirt on or off?

Angie

Upstairs!

It matters...

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Where's my work?

Don't you remember my rules?

What rules?

I only tell you once to clear the table. If you don't, you're asking me to throw out your stuff.

You threw out my work?!

Yep. Maybe next time, you'll remember my rules.

Hey. This is my house. I make the rules.

Oh sure you do.

Mom stand still, we're talking about this.

Talk all you want, I will pretend to listen.

Mom don't ignore me.

[looking through refrigerator] let's see. What goes good with chicken? I don't know.

[George takes handcuffs, places one link on handle bar, and the other on benny's right hand, cuffing her to the fridge]

George, what the hell are you?! George!

[yelling] You're gonna stand there and you're gonna listen to me! Stop treating me like a kid! Stop calling me names! I'm a grown man, and if I want to, I can leave my papers anywhere! And I pay the bills around here, so if I want to leave the lights on, I can! [starts turning on kitchen appliances] And the mixer, and the toaster, and the blender, and the food processor, and the microwave! And you know why?! I can afford it all, because I'm not a failure, I'm a big success!

[electricity in the house goes off and kitchen is dark. George finds a flashlight and shines it in Benny's face]

I'm a big, big success!

[Angie, Carmen, and Max walk into the dark house]

Angie

George?

(to Angie) I'm glad you're home. Do you know your father has a drug problem?

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Angie [about Max's behavior after a school shooting]: He's completely desensitized. He acts like the shooting didn't affect him at all.