[Bored, Killface watches his TV]
XCXander Crews (on TV)
Next Question - no that's it, we're done!
MTMale TV Voice
Coming Up, Friends, followed by -
KKillface
[Sighs, switches channel]
FTFemale TV Voice
Betrayal, Starring Jeremy Irons-
KKillface
Mm. No. [switches channel]
STSpanishMale TV Voice
Si Bueno i como Barnaby Jone-
KKillface
No. [switches channel]
MTMale TV News Voice
- Marathon, of this Old Barn-
[switches channel]
FTFemale TV Documentary Voice
-A Bee-
[switches channel]
DJDarcell Jones
- Jones of Team Jaguar -
[Killface blasts his TV Screen]
KKillface
Barnaby Jones. Well, mark my words, as my newish HD TV goes, so goes-[cut to the Crews building]
Xander frickin' Crews! Do you see the big ass sign out there? Does it say "Stan the big dumb fat jerk liar who tried to steal my company"? No! Building's not tall enough! Yuck, you know, I'm just glad my murdered parents aren't alive to see this, and frankly, we're not too stoked about seeing it either.
He says no. Now do it until you get it right!
MASTER CYLINDER! MASTER CYLINDER!
[After Simon attempts to re-hang a portrait of his mother up]
KKillface
So just leave Lady Mom on the floor as a painful remainder of everyone I clutch to my bosom in friendship, only to feel the icy pang of betrayal as they sink their serpent's teeth into my... y'know... my bosom!
[Phillip enters, wearing a tuxedo and carrying a basket of pickles]
[Cheerfully] Well, my ears are burnin'.
KKillface
Wha... Phillip?!
[Icy pause]
KKillface
[Stand-offish] Eager to know why you're here.
...
KKillface
Have you come to gloat?
That, and I think I might have left my Zune here. Have ya seen it?
KKillface
No, nothing here but a profound sense of betrayal.
... little Zune, it's got Mp3s on it...
KKillface
Oh, and back knives.
Ah, it's no biggie, I'll just buy a new one. I'm a billionaire now, you know.
KKillface
Yes, I can tell by the tuxedo.
Yep, that's what we wear. Y'know.
KKillface
ZZ Top would be proud.
KKillface
And to what shall we drink? Simon will you be a lamb?
Uh, that this isn't just a big glass of poison?
KKillface
Phillip! That hurts me!
It's just, I'd hate to beat cancer just to-
KKillface
Oh, you beat cancer!
Yeah, just to drink poison. Yep, cancer free!
Also, twenty billionaire!
KKillface
What?! You got full price for the Annihilatrix?!
[Phil takes a sip of his drink]
KKillface
Yes, drink it in... and die!
[Horrified] Ah! The... Tom Collins!
KKillface
Ha, you mean a vitoxin Collins!
KKillface
Yes! The anal blood gushing should start any moment! Should just... [It becomes clear nothing is happening] come... y'know, bursting... right out of your bottom.
Ha ha, no, I knew you were gonna try that!
I've been taking vitoxin for weeks!
KKillface
[Outraged] Why, you formerly fat bastard!
Yeah thats how i kinda lost the weight...
Well, I'd better deposit this check. Thanks for the drink, enjoy the pickles, and if you find my Zune, just give me a c-
[Phil's head is blasted off]
KKillface
Bugger me. (calls out) Hey Simon! Want to see something neat? Phil's head just exploded, like a ham!
[Arranging to swap the $20 billion check for the Annihilatrix key]
We threw 'em! We throw 'em on three!
KKillface
No, I-I think it's windy for...
[Yelling quickly] One two three!
[Startled, Killface throws the check; it is caught by the wind before Xander (who didn't throw the key) can catch it]
[Beat]... what the fuck, dude?!
KKillface
You said throw it!
Why?!... did I say that?!
KKillface
'Cause you're an idiot! And a liar! You didn't even throw yours!
[Pause]
I was gonna keep them both!
KKillface
You - Well, serves you right then!
[After Xander threatens to power up the Annihilatrix]
KKillface
Xanderby, wait!
Does this thing just start like a freaking car? Retarded.
[Xander turns the key; the ignition sequence commences]
KKillface
Oh my God, you've armed it!
Ahhh! Why did I also do that?
KKillface
What is wrong with you?!
My parents never established boundaries!
KKillface
Would've died, too, if those couplings hadn't melted.
IInterviewer
'Cause your plan was to push the Earth into the sun, right?
KKillface
Obviously not, because, you know...end result
KKillface
Where are we, what are we doing?
We're going broke, is what we're doing
KKillface
Well, that's hard to believe. I know we're all making sacrifices.
(on €149 Schnapps) But I paid for this personally.
KKillface
No, you didn't.
Well... bad is a relative term.
(On the phone at his office)
I said, what you think about global warming? Huh? Well, get a job, you damn hippie! Huh? Aww, fuck you.
(Back to documentary interview)
Basically, I just make stuff up and fax it over there.
(cut from Mr. Ford's fax machine to Killface's)
KKillface
Oh! Ooh! There's a fax coming!
(Back to documentary interview)
Some weeks he doin' good, other weeks, he's not doin'... he's not doin' any good.
KKillface
(campaign stop at A.M.E. Zion Church, dressed like Michael Vick) Hello, African Zionists. Pleasure to be here, and how about that Jesus Christ, hmm? He's one bad mother--
CChurchgoer
You Hush your mouth!
KKillface
I'm just talkin' 'bout Christ.
(At apartment)
KKillface
We should send them a pie basket.
Have you ever actually met a black person?
KKillface
Of course! Sinn was black.
I don't think a servant...
KKillface
Indentured servant...technically
How did you ever win the primary?
(Shot of Killface on top of bus in ticker-tape parade, banner reading "Thanks Killface. Global Warming Cured")
He's a one-hit wonder: global warming.
KKillface
Cured it. (Baby Lamont chirps)
His foreign policy is unrealistic...
KKillface
Global warming.
His domestic policy is non-existent...
KKillface
Global warming.
KKillface
Global warming.
KKillface
Global warming.
KKillface
Global warming.
Man, do you even know what these terms mean?
KKillface
I...know that I cured global warming.
See? He's a one-trick pony.
KKillface
Well, it's a pretty big pony.
Frisky Dingo · 252 quotes
