Friends quotes

Phoebe

Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!

Monica

Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!

Phoebe

I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!

Monica

It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!

Phoebe

[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]

Rachel

[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...

Phoebe

[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!

Rachel

We're still on that!

Monica

I didn't say that!

Phoebe

Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica

Tiny portions?!

Phoebe

"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"

Monica

It's not about quantity!

Phoebe

It's not about quality!

Monica

You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!

Phoebe

At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!

Monica

So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!

Phoebe

Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica

[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!

Phoebe

What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Monica

Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel

All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...

Rachel

Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?

Monica

What the hell are you cooking?

Rachel

Joey, why won't you invite us to your parties?

Joey

Well you're fine, ok, but everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people.

Rachel

Well then, so just invite me.

Joey

Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.

Phoebe

[in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!

Rachel

Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!

Phoebe

Then I'm Swedish!

Rachel

What's your name?

Phoebe

A normal Swedish name...Ikea.

Rachel

What an interesting name. You know, I...

Phoebe

[interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel

[sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]

Phoebe

Is something wrong?

Rachel

No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe

Stockholm.

Rachel

[to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!

Phoebe

[singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!

Rachel

Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!

Phoebe

Oh, ya!

Rachel

She's not very good, though!

Phoebe

And why do you think that is?

Rachel

I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!

Phoebe

Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!

Rachel

[turns up] PHOEBE!!

Phoebe

You know it's me?

Rachel

For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!

Phoebe

How can you come here?

Rachel

How can you not tell me you work here?

Phoebe

I don't have to tell you everything!

Rachel

Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

Phoebe

Tips not included.

Rachel

Why did you lie to me about working here?

Phoebe

I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!

Rachel

If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!

Phoebe

You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!

Rachel

Good for you, Pheebs!

Phoebe

If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!

First, I have to see the Met!

Joey

OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!

Charlie

No, not the Mets. The Met. Singular.

Joey

Which one? They all suck!

Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.

Chandler

[sarcastically] Oh, dammit!

Monica

Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

Ross

I may get to speak at this Paleontology conversion, and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.

Chandler

I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff, and/or are sick.

Ross

It's in Barbados.

Chandler

But you come first!

Rachel

I'm there.

Ross

But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

Charlie

What?

Joey

He said "erectus"!

Charlie

You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey

No, he really said it.

Ross

... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

Joey

Erectus?

Rachel

Homo.

Monica

David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.

Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion.

Monica

[To Chandler] See?

Chandler

Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".

Monica

Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler

[Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".

Monica

Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler

David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica

What? [Looks very shocked] Why?

Chandler

Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica

Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler

I did! A penis one!

Chandler

[wins at ping pong] I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was.

Monica

Why?

Chandler

I don't know.

Monica

This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.

Chandler

That's why.

Charlie

There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I um... I kind of realized I was starting to have feelings for someone else.

Ross

Can I... can I ask who?

Charlie

I think you know.

Ross

I think I know too, but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past.

Chandler

Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?

Monica

What do you have in mind?

Chandler

I think you know.

Monica

I really don't feel like it!

Chandler

This is what I want to do.

Monica

All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!

Chandler

[holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

Chandler

She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!.

Monica

Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.