Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Chandler

Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?

Rachel

No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Where's the chicken?

Chandler

Oh, he's in the back. The duck pissed him off. Said, "Eggs came first."

Chandler

[sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...

Joey

Did I tell you to smell my sandwich?

Chandler

I can't smell your sandwich?

Joey

No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!

Chandler

Okay, I'll give them back [exhales].

Monica

Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.

Chandler

Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

Monica

What are you guys gonna do?

Rachel

Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer.

Chandler

Well, I think, I think... Ross already has one.

Monica

Yeah, yeah, that guy's finally gonna be able to put in that pool.

Ross

Ha, okay...

Chandler

Now, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so you get the third one for free...

Ross

Laugh it up! ...but the joke's on you... because we don't need to get divorced... okay? We're just gonna get an annulment.

Joey

An annulment?! Ross... I don't think surgery's the answer here!

Joey

Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies. And you know about Naked Thursdays, right?

Rachel

Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna find my own place.

Chandler

Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays was just our thing, man!

Joey

Probably a residual check. Can you open it? I got... [shows his hands tied with string]

Chandler

Benefits lapsed.

Joey

That's weird. I don't remember being in a movie called "Benefits Lapsed."

Chandler

[chuckles] It's not a check. They are saying your health insurance expired cause... you didn't work enough last year.

Joey

What? Let me see that. Oh no! This sucks. When I had health insurance I could... catch on fire, you know or get hit by a bus. Now I gotta be careful?

Chandler

I know what you mean, man, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.

Joey

Well, I guess I am gonna go get a job, I'll see ya later.

Chandler

Ok, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.

Joey

[mocking] Make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. [turns and walks into the door]

Chandler

Here is the phone bill.

Joey

Oh, my...!!

Chandler

That's our phone number.

Joey

Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates.

Chandler

I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.

Joey

Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours.

Ross

I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!

Chandler

And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Monica

Honey, that's a great idea nailing your boxes to the floor !

Chandler

I didn't nail my boxes to the floor.

Monica

Oh so you can move them !

Chandler

[offering Joey a game of Playstation] Hi, my name's Chandler! I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me in a post-apocalyptic world for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source.

Joey

Sure.

Rachel

[Referring to her boss Kim] She doesn't like me very much.

Chandler

That's great. Because my boss doesn't like me either.

Monica

My boss doesn't like me either.

Ross

Maybe it's like a universal thing.

Joey

Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

[In chorus] Let's get off to work...

Joey

You're gonna cook something?

Rachel

Hey, I cook!

Chandler

Offering people gum is not cooking.

Rachel

OK, fine! I'll just tell Phoebe it's an antique apothecary table, she doesn't have to know where it came from. Oh, look at this! Little drawers! Oh look, look, it says that it holds... three hundred CDs!

Chandler

Ahhh, just like the apothecary tables of yore.