Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Monica

[to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!

Chandler

[to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement!"

Joey

Altogether, It's $12.75 .

Chandler

This coming from the man who couldn't split our $80 phone bill in half.

Rachel

Honey ! What did you do that bad that make dad cut you off ?

Okay.. I bought a boat.

Phoebe

You bought a boat ?

Yeah. It wasn't for me. It was for a friend.

Chandler

Boy ! Did we make friends with wrong sister ?

Joey

I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for ten years.

Chandler

That was, like, five years ago.

Joey

Yeah, you got five years left!

Chandler

Joey --

Joey

You wanna make it six?

Monica

Well, I guess it makes sense, you know, having such a terrible childhood.

Chandler

I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.

Monica

Yes, but you're dead inside.

Joey

I used to get medical experiments done on me all the time!

Chandler

Ah, finally: an explanation.

Joey

Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?

Chandler

[mockingly] Yeah. So, Tuesday?

Joey

Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, think of it like this: the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?

Chandler

Thank you.

Chandler

So, who is she?

Ross

I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.

Joey

Well, do you still have their final exams?

Ross

Yeah.

Joey

Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.

Chandler

A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.

Chandler

You don't look good, Joe.

Joey

The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. Oh, and what was in that brown jar?

Chandler

That's still in there?

Joey

Not any more. By the way, you owe me $400.

Chandler

Is this a service you're providing me?

Phoebe

And he has one of these. [Phoebe imitates a chin dimple]

Chandler

A face ass?

Monica

Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?

Chandler

Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll Ups?

Monica

Aren't you dressed yet ?

Chandler

Am I naked again ?

Joey

How cool it would be, If you could watch a life size version of this ? How crazy would that be ?

Chandler

As crazy as Soccer ?

Joey

I have answering machine..

Chandler

Which I bought for you.. Taught how to use it.. You thought it was a copier...

Monica

Please, stop freaking out.

Chandler

I'm not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday.

Monica

Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what's the harm in that?

Chandler

Right here!

Monica

Chandler, please don't think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel...

Chandler

Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!

Monica

It was a mistake. Please don't take this to mean anything, because it doesn't.

Chandler

Okay.

Monica

Really?

Chandler

Yes, if it really doesn't mean anything, because you know that I'm just not ready...

Monica

I know! I know.

Chandler

Okay.

Monica

I'm gonna go tell Joey that... that you're back. I was really worried about you.

Phoebe

Hey, did she buy it?

Chandler

Totally.

Phoebe

So did Heldi show you the place?

Chandler

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Phoebe

I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica to marry you!

Chandler

[smiling] I know.