Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Ross

Someone at work ate my sandwich!

Chandler

Well, what did the police say?

Ross

My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!

Chandler

It's just a sandwich!

Ross

Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]

Monica

I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...

Ross

That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!

Chandler

[reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"

Joey

I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!

Phoebe

You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.

Ross

Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?

Chandler

Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?

Phoebe

[writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!

Monica

Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!

Phoebe

Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!

Monica

Phoebe!

Phoebe

HE STABBED ME FIRST!!

Ross

No divorces in '99! [blows a party horn]

Rachel

But your divorce hasn't been finalized yet.

Ross

Just the one divorce in '99! [blows the party horn again] You know what, I'm going to be happy this year. I am going to make myself happy.

Chandler

Do you want us to leave the room?

Ross

I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.

Phoebe

Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Chandler

That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Ross

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."

Rachel

But your divorce isn't even final yet.

Ross

Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. You know what? I'm going to be happy this year, I'm gonna make myself happy.

Chandler

Do you want us to leave the room, or...?

Monica

What's that noise you just made?

Chandler

Oh, that? That's my work laugh.

Monica

Your work laugh?

Chandler

Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

Monica

You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?

Chandler

Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Phoebe

I'm going to kiss you now.

Chandler

Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.

Phoebe

Here it comes. Our first kiss.

Chandler

Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!

Phoebe

And why not?

Chandler

Because I'm in love with Monica!

Phoebe

You're...you're what?

Chandler

[as Monica, Rachel and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.

Monica

I love you, too, Chandler.

Phoebe

I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Ross

[after seeing Monica and Chandler through the window] CHANDLER! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING THROUGH THE WINDOW! I SAW WHAT YOU WERE DOING TO MY SISTER. NOW GET OUT HERE!

Chandler

Well, we had a great run. What was it -- four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]

Monica

Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?

Chandler

Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Rachel

I brought reinforcements.

Ross

You brought Joey?

Rachel

Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.

Chandler

Hey.

Ross

Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would have been Monica!

Chandler

Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong.

Ross

Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Rach, that's you. That's the couch.

Rachel

Whoa, what's ... what's that?

Ross

Oh, that's me.

Rachel

Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.

Ross

No! That's ... that's my arm.

Chandler

Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

Ross

Pivot. Pivot! PIVAT! PIVAAAAT!

Chandler

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUP!

Monica

[Trying to seduce Chandler] I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?

Chandler

No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out.

Monica

Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!

Chandler

Oh. So?

Monica

So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.

Chandler

Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

Monica

[creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room] You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?

Chandler

No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.

Chandler

You smoked.

Rachel

I did not.

Chandler

Yes you did. You look happy and sick-- you smoked!

Rachel

All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career.

Chandler

I wish I had to smoke for my career.