Frasier · Season 5
Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship
You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.
What on God's earth are you talking about?
I think what he means is: you're the girl!
Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off
I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz Expressway”.
I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future
Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even possibly sometime down the line perhaps fall in love with. I'm surprised the country music people haven't jumped all over this one!
Martin is practicing his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble
Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion
Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.
In a flashback to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria
This lunch is a culinary Hindenburg!
Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date
I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
So you do know my policy. Off we go!
Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring
Do you know what that means?
(ruefully) Yes! We’re going to hear what Mendelssohn’s Wedding March sounds like on the banjo!
Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified anecdote
You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the puritanical streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.
You signed with Bebe?
Okay, I know, I should've told you. I just wasn't in the mood for one of your lectures.
I'm not going to give you a lecture. You're entitled to choose whomever you wish to represent you. Someone who's honest, or a woman whose ethics would've raised eyebrows in the court of Caligula!
[The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]
How on Earth did you get all that?
Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.
Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal
Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?
Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is empathy
We've had quite a catharsis here. Now, traditionally it is the patients that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.
Niles has told Frasier and Martin that he and Maris have split for good, and Martin had a failed date as well
(Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)
(Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)
I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.
Geez- I don't need to hear that!
No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.
It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?
The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)
Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)
You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)
Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)
All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)
Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.
(The Cranes stare at the Seattle skyline)
Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.
Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?
Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.
(shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!
We're desperate!
We're ludicrous!
We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)
Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a divorce settlement
When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a pre-nup.
Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return
You are not the Crane I want!
You're not even the sex I want!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
