Roz Doyle quotes from Frasier

Roz

Can I get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!

Roz

That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. [Frasier looks shocked] Shut up. I needed the credits.

Frasier

the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.

Roz

Here, your brother called.

Frasier

Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz

Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier

I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz

Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

Frasier

You say my brother called.

Roz

Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Frasier

Who?

Roz

Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.

Frasier

Is there a reason you're telling me this story?

Roz

Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.

Frasier

Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.

Roz

All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Roz

So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier

Roz, why are you telling me this story?

Roz

I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.

Frasier

Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?

Roz

Your shoe's untied.

Roz

If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.

Frasier

Oh my God! This is unbelievable! A man has quit his job because of a rumor that you spread!

Roz

Me? The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the person's back, not in front of them; I didn't realize you were unclear on this concept!

Frasier

Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?

Roz

[smugly] Because I have one.

Bulldog

Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?

It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!

Roz

Where do I pay?

Frasier

Roz!

Roz

I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

Frasier

Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?

Roz

[smugly] It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.

Frasier

You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.

Roz

Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.

Frasier

Well, then, perhaps you're right.

Roz

See how easy it is.

Roz

God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.

Frasier

Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

Roz

What? You're turning down a hospital?

Frasier

Don't look at me that way.

Roz

Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

Frasier

Who's next, Roz?

Roz

If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.

Frasier

The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than Tropicana!

Roz

Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.

Daphne

Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".

Roz

You slept with her?

Niles

On what desert island with no hope of rescue was this?!