Frasier, Martin and others in “The Maris Counselor”

Frasier

(Pours three glasses) Well, this may come as a small consolation to you, but I believe that you each have a lot of work to do to catch up to me in the failed romance department. Divorced twice, left at the altar once. (They down their glasses)

Martin

(Pours another three glasses) Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately. Things with Sherry fizzled, then Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize. (They down their glasses)

Niles

I'll challenge you. (Pours another three glasses) Fifteen years with Maris; I end up in bed with her lover.

Martin

Geez- I don't need to hear that!

Niles

No, no- it was an accident; it was pitch dark- I thought it was Maris.

Frasier

It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?

Niles

The heat from her side of the bed! (They all laugh)

Frasier

Well, I think we have a three-way tie. Here's to the Crane Boys - love's big losers. (They clink glasses and down them)

Niles

You know, I said I needed closure. (Removes his wedding ring) I won't have it till I do one more thing. (Goes to the balcony)

Frasier

Now be careful, Niles, from this height that can hurt somebody. (He and Martin follow Niles to the balcony)

Niles

All clear. (Throws his ring off the balcony) Goodbye, Maris! You hurt me for the last time! (Goes back inside)

Martin

Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there? (Niles turns around, comes back to the balcony and looks down) Oh well, good body shop will be able to pound that out.

Frasier

Well, it's Saturday night. Here we are, again.

Martin

Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date?

Niles

Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.

Frasier

(shouts) Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting!

Martin

We're desperate!

Frasier

We're ludicrous!

Niles

We're pathetic! (All three laugh to themselves before quieting down and staring, pensively, from the balcony. The emotional scene fades out.)