Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Remember what mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

Niles

So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Niles

Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!

Niles

I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Niles

My taekwondo instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.

Niles

I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.

Niles

All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."

Niles

Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming mother today!

Niles

If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!...Marriage...I have to go now.

Niles

My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

Niles

It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

Niles

[to Frasier] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! [turns] Happy birthday, Dad.

Niles

Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...

Niles

Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

Niles

I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.