Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sex is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. Sex is something between you and the person you're doing it to!

Martin

Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

Martin

Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!

Martin

Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

Martin

You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane...but people still ask you to help them move!

Martin

Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.

Martin

(looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper) Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! (laughs)

Martin

See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.

Martin

Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... [closes the door] asteroid hits Earth!

Martin

No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! [hangs up]

Martin

Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

Martin

[to Daphne] You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. [to Frasier] You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. [to Niles] You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! [to all three] Now just clam up and go to bed!

Frasier

I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin

He cut you off!

Frasier

That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"

Martin

Big talk from a Volvo.

Daphne

My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.

Martin

Really?

Daphne

He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

Daphne

I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him.

Martin

Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional.

Daphne

Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.