Frasier quotes

Frasier

Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

Niles

I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier

I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

Niles

Remember what mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

Frasier

the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.

Roz

Here, your brother called.

Frasier

Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz

Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier

I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz

Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

Frasier

You say my brother called.

Frasier

Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of– hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working anymore, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

Roz

Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Frasier

Who?

Roz

Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.

Frasier

Is there a reason you're telling me this story?

Roz

Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.

Frasier

Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.

Roz

All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Frasier

Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles

You're a good brother, too.

Niles

So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him around.

Niles

So, how's Father?

Frasier

Do you mean the man who's driving me crazy?

Frasier

Or do you mean the man who drove me out of my own home?!

Niles

And how's work?

Frasier

I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin

He cut you off!

Frasier

That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"

Martin

Big talk from a Volvo.

Frasier

[about Daphne] She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

Niles

Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.

Frasier

You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?

Niles

She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

Frasier

As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, Voltaire. Step back in the shadows, H. L. Mencken. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this chef d'oeuvre: "I... hate... Frasier Crane."

Roz

So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier

Roz, why are you telling me this story?

Roz

I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.

Frasier

Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?

Roz

Your shoe's untied.

Roz

If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.

Niles

Who knows why anybody does anything?

Frasier

[looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.