[Basil is dealing with young Ronald Heath, a loathsome brat]
RRonald
I don't like the chips...They're the wrong shape, and they're just awful. Haven't you got any properly-shaped chips?
Basil[with characteristically-surreptitious menace] What shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the eye shape? - God, you're dumb.
RRonald
What a dump...! I'd like some salad cream for this bread.
Basil
Well, the mayonnaise is right there.
RRonald
I asked for salad cream, stupid.
Basil
We don't have any of what you call salad cream; the chef made that mayonnaise freshly this morning.
RRonald
That's puke, that is.
Basil
Well, at least it's fresh puke!
[Polly is trying to tell Basil that Kurt is drunk in front of the guests]
Basil
What?
Basil
Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... [starts to walk away with the guests]
He's soused! [beat] The herrings.
Basil
What are you on about?
[slowly] He's pickled the onions and he's smashed the eggs in his pot [crosses eyes] under the table.
Basil
[to the guests] Excuse me. [to Polly] Have you been drinking?
Basil
Then will you behave yourself!
Oh, Fawlty. How's, erm...
Basil
My wife?
Basil
Fine. Absolutely fine. They're taking it out tomorrow morning.
Basil
No, not her, the nail. They're taking it out tomorrow.
Basil
The nail! They're taking it out tomorrow.
H-How did she get a nail in her?
Basil
No, I thought I told you, Major. She's having her toenail taken out.
What, just the one of them?
Basil
It's an ingrowing one, Major.
Oh, well if it's causing you pain, you have it out!
Basil
Oh just for a couple of days.
I don't care much for Germans.
Basil
I suppose I see what you mean-
Bunch of Krauts, that's what they are! All of them! Bad eggs!
Basil
Well forgive and forget, Major. God knows how, the bastards. Still...
Ah, well, you've got to love 'em, I suppose.
Basil
[startled] Germans?
No! Women! I hate Germans... Love women.
Good card players! But mind you, I wouldn't give 'em the time of day.
Basil
[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him] Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
[The guests all gather in the lobby]
Basil
The point is, can I put it this way... [high voice] Fire.
Basil
Fire. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire!
Basil
Fire! Out there. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[All the guests leave the hotel]
Basil
Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it alright. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads. Wait a moment, I got a bit confused here, sorry. Sorry, I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war, so could you... what's the matter?
Basil
Is there something wrong?
Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil
Me? You started it!
Basil
Yes you did, you invaded Poland!
[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]
Basil
Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
SSister
Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
Basil
Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
SSister
I-I'll get the doctor.
Basil
You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.
How dare you talk to Sister like that. Get back into bed!
Basil
You do not seem to realise that I am needed at the hotel!
No they don't. They're managing beautifully without you.
Basil
Polly cannot cope!
Well she can't fall over waiters or get her head stuck under desks or start burglar alarms or lock people in burning rooms or fire fire extinguishers straight in her own face. But I think the hotel can do without that sort of coping for a couple of days. What do you think, Basil, hmm?
Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
Basil
(confused) You've got a bath.
I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
Basil
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
Basil
[quietly] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
Basil
[quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil
That is Torquay madam.
Well it's not good enough.
Basil
Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil
You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil
Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
Basil
Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
Basil
No, the radio works. [mutters] You don't.
Basil
I'll see if I can fix it [mutters] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)
Basil
Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
Basil
[shouting] A hearing aid!
Yes I do have a hearing aid!
Basil
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
Basil
No it isn't!
I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
Basil
Why not?
The battery runs out. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
Basil
[whispering] 60% if you turn it on.
Basil
My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
Basil
(muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...
[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]
Now, listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
Basil
[confused] You’ve got a bath.
I’m not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus V.A.T. for a room without a bath.
Basil
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
[looks at it] You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.
Basil
[sotto] I wish you were a mouse, I’d show you...
And another thing: I asked for a room with a view.
Basil
[sotto to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [goes to the window, in a louder voice] Uh, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil
Well, that is Torquay, madam.
Well, it’s not good enough.
Basil
Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeests sweeping majestically—?
Don’t be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil
You can see the sea, [pointing out with his index finger] it’s over there between the land and the sky.
I need a telescope to see that.
Basil
Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?... [sotto] Or preferably in it.
Right. Now, listen to me. I’m not satisfied, but I’ve decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Basil
Why, because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn’t work.
Basil
No, the radio works. [sotto] You don’t.
Basil
I’ll see if I can fix it, [sotto] you scabby old bat.
[He turns it on loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]
Basil
I think we got something then.
Basil
I think we got something then!
[looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears] What are you doing?
[Basil swats him upside the head]
Basil
Madam, don’t think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
Basil
A HEARING AID!
Yes, I do have a hearing aid!
Basil
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It’s working perfectly alright.
Basil
No, it isn’t!
I haven’t got it turned on at the moment.
Basil
Why not?
The battery runs down. Now, what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
Basil
[sotto] 60% if you turn it on.
Basil
My wife handles all such matters, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I shall speak to her after lunch.
Basil
[sotto, bowing] You heard that alright, didn’t you?
Basil
Thank you so much. Uh, lunch will be served at half past twelve.
[leaving the room] I can get downstairs by myself.
Basil
"Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
[to Mrs Richards] Are you sure you can manage?
Basil
If you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!
Basil
Well, that was fun, wasn't it, dear? The odd moment like that? It's almost worth staying alive for, isn't it? It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear? It's what marriage is all about. I know – I read about it on the back of a matchbox.
You know, Basil, sometimes...
Basil
[puts his arm round her waist] Seriously, Sybil. Do you remember the first time we were... manacled together – we used to laugh quite a lot.
[puts his hand back] Yes, but not at the same time, Basil. [exits]
Basil
Ah, that's true. That was a warning all right, wasn't it? Should have spotted that, shouldn't I? Zhoom! What was that? That was your life, mate! Oh, that was quick. Do I get another? Sorry, mate. That's your lot.
Basil
Back to the world of dreams... Yes, dear?
Basil
Give it another fifteen years?
Fawlty Towers · 72 quotes
