Basil Fawlty quotes from Fawlty Towers

Basil

He gets paid for sticking his nose--

Sybil

Oh, Basil--

Basil

No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts-- details!

Sybil

You're only single once.

Basil

Twice can be arranged!

Terry

Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.

Basil

Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?

Basil

[puzzled] A wal....

Waldorf Salad.

Basil

I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?

Basil

Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

Basil

Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.

Major Gowen

Oh. Shot, was he?

Basil

No, No. Died in his sleep.

Major Gowen

In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

Basil

[sarcastically] Rosewood, mahogany, teak?

[confused] I beg your pardon?

Basil

What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?

I don’t really mind.

Basil

Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and have a really good night’s sleep then. [looks at his watch, while Mr. Leeman goes upstairs, still confused] I’m hoping to get a couple hours later on myself. [shouting] I’ll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. If you can remember to sleep with your mouth open, you won’t even have to wake up – I’ll just drop in small pieces of lightly buttered kipper when you’re breathing in the right direction if that doesn’t put you out! [looks at the room behind the counter, searching for Sybil, then speaks to himself sarcastically, imitating his wife] Basil! [hits his hand]

Basil

They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?

Polly

Oh... say she's... er... um...

Basil

She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."

Manuel

It is surprise party.

Basil

Yes?

Manuel

She no here.

Basil

Right?

Manuel

That is surprise!

There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil--

Basil

Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?

Her driving round in the town.

Terry

Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read George Orwell's experiences at Maxim's in Paris?

Basil

No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

Manuel

I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.

Basil

Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

Sybil

[Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat] Perhaps we could find a home for him.

Basil

Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

Mr. Fawlty?

Basil

[waves] Hello!

These premises do not come up to the standard required by this authority. Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked, and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked, and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked, and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hoods.

Basil

About the deep fat fryer...

Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery, with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked.

Basil

Yes, say no more...

[continues] Food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash handbasin...which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed on our last visit six months ago... and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

Basil

Otherwise, okay?