Basil Fawlty quotes from Fawlty Towers

[furious] A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, please!

Basil

[smashing the picture, vexed] RIGHT!!!

Sybil

(Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome) Where are you going Basil?

Basil

Just going to see O'Reilly dear. Then I might go to Canada.

Don't do anything we wouldn't do.

Basil

Just a little breathing, surely?

Basil

Are you going to take something like that seriously?!

Well...well, I thought I might...

Basil

YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT?!?!! What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!

She just did!!

Basil

No, no, no, she only thinks she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take that door out and put the other one back, we're going to add that new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

Basil

What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??

Polly

Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly.

Basil

That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid...

Polly

CALL O'REILLY!

Basil

WHAT!?!

Polly

Shall I call him?

Basil

No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

Basil

Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?

Major Gowen

"How To Murder Your Wife"?

Basil

Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

Basil

Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.

Major Gowen

The heat?

Basil

No, no. My wife's laugh.

Basil

[about Sybil's laughter] Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.

[shocked] Oh dear!

Basil

No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?

Do you have any Ricard?

Basil

[confused] I'm sorry?

Any Ricard?

Basil

[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar] uh, we're just out of it, I think...

Mr. Hutchinson

OH NO! come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!

Manuel

It's nice!

Mr. Hutchinson

I don't want the bloody thing now take it back!

Basil

Here, give it to me.

Mr. Hutchinson

I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!

Basil

There, I've torn it up you'll never see it again!.

Sybil

Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.

Basil

Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Basil

I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.

Sybil

Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

Basil

Spoons, eh?

Mr. Hutchinson

Sorry?

Basil

SP-THTHTHTHTH-OONS!

Mr. Hutchinson

I beg your pardon?

Basil

I understand you're in the spoon trade.

Mr. Hutchinson

Oh, yes. Yes.

Basil

Fascinating. How very absorbing for you.

Mr. Hutchinson

Well...

Basil

So much more interesting than being a HOTEL INSPECTOR!!

Mr. Hutchinson

Y'What...?

Mr. Hutchinson

There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.

Basil

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Mr. Hutchinson

Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?

Basil

Why don't you talk properly?

Mr. Hutchinson

I beg your pardon?

Basil

No it isn't.

Mr. Hutchinson

What?

Basil

It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending, thank you so much.

Basil

He's drunk!

Sybil

Drunk?

Basil

Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!

Sybil

I don't believe it!

Basil

Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

Sybil

André thinks Thursdays are a good idea.

Basil

Thursday?

Hmm, I think so.

Basil

Good! Then on all other days we'll serve up a great big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.