Polly Sherman quotes from Fawlty Towers

Polly

[trying to speak to her boss in code, telling him that the corpse’s arm is sticking out of the wardrobe’s door] She doesn’t mean any arm!!

Basil

What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??

Polly

Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly.

Basil

That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid...

Polly

CALL O'REILLY!

Basil

WHAT!?!

Polly

Shall I call him?

Basil

No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

Polly

He's potted the shrimps.

Basil

What?

Polly

He's potted the shrimps!

Basil

Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... [starts to walk away with the guests]

Polly

He's soused! [beat] The herrings.

Basil

What are you on about?

Polly

[slowly] He's pickled the onions and he's smashed the eggs in his pot [crosses eyes] under the table.

Basil

[to the guests] Excuse me. [to Polly] Have you been drinking?

Polly

No, not me!

Basil

Then will you behave yourself!

Major

Germans, coming here?

Basil

Oh just for a couple of days.

Major

I don't care much for Germans.

Basil

I suppose I see what you mean-

Major

Bunch of Krauts, that's what they are! All of them! Bad eggs!

Basil

Well forgive and forget, Major. God knows how, the bastards. Still...

Major

Ah, well, you've got to love 'em, I suppose.

Basil

[startled] Germans?

Major

No! Women! I hate Germans... Love women.

Polly

What about German women?

Major

Good card players! But mind you, I wouldn't give 'em the time of day.

What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.

Manuel

No, no. Fawlty.

Faulty? What's wrong with him?

Polly

It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.

The manager's from Barcelona?

Manuel

No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

Hello! [Polly comes out of the office] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?

Polly

Well we don't put it in the rooms

What?

Polly

We keep it in the lounge

[shocked] In the Lounge?!

Polly

I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?

[still shocked] Address on it?!

Polly

How many sheets? [Mrs Richards looks appalled] Well how many are you going to use?

[banging the desk bell] Manager!

Polly

Just enough for one? Tell me!

Manager! Manager!

[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?

Polly

Yes!

Didn't God give you eyes?

Polly

Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

Basil

They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?

Polly

Oh... say she's... er... um...

Basil

She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."

Manuel

It is surprise party.

Basil

Yes?

Manuel

She no here.

Basil

Right?

Manuel

That is surprise!