Now, listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath, I expect to get a bath.
[confused] You’ve got a bath.
I’m not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus V.A.T. for a room without a bath.
[goes into the bathroom] There is your bath.
[looks at it] You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.
[sotto] I wish you were a mouse, I’d show you...
And another thing: I asked for a room with a view.
[sotto to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [goes to the window, in a louder voice] Uh, this is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, yes, this is it.
When I pay for a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Well, that is Torquay, madam.
Well, it’s not good enough.
Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeests sweeping majestically—?
Don’t be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
You can see the sea, [pointing out with his index finger] it’s over there between the land and the sky.
I need a telescope to see that.
Well, may I suggest that you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea?... [sotto] Or preferably in it.
Right. Now, listen to me. I’m not satisfied, but I’ve decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
Why, because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment?
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn’t work.
No, the radio works. [sotto] You don’t.
What?
I’ll see if I can fix it, [sotto] you scabby old bat.
[He turns it on loudly; it works fine; Manuel plugs his ears]
I think we got something then.
What?
I think we got something then!
[looking at Manuel with his fingers in his ears] What are you doing?
Qué!?
[Basil swats him upside the head]
Madam, don’t think me rude, but may I ask, do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
A what?
A HEARING AID!
Yes, I do have a hearing aid!
Would you like me to get it mended?
Mended? It’s working perfectly alright.
No, it isn’t!
I haven’t got it turned on at the moment.
Why not?
The battery runs down. Now, what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
[sotto] 60% if you turn it on.
What?
My wife handles all such matters, I’m sure she’ll be delighted to discuss it with you.
I shall speak to her after lunch.
[sotto, bowing] You heard that alright, didn’t you?
What?!
Thank you so much. Uh, lunch will be served at half past twelve.
More from this episode
All quotes from this episode →More Fawlty Towers quotes · These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.