Fawlty Towers quotes

51 total quotes

Basil: (down the phone to O'Reilly) ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you.

Basil: [about Sybil's laughter] Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
Mrs. Peignoir: [shocked] Oh dear!
Basil: No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
Mrs. Peignoir: Do you have any Ricard?
Basil: [confused] I'm sorry?
Mrs. Peignoir: Any Ricard?
Basil: [unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar] uh, we're just out of it, I think...

Basil: [yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough! You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]

Basil: Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

Basil: Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
Major Gowen: The heat?
Basil: No, no. My wife's laugh.

Basil: Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
O'Reilly: Well...well, I thought I might...
Basil: YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT?!?!! What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
O'Reilly: She just did!!
Basil: No, no, no, she only thinks she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take that door out and put the other one back, we're going to add that new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

Basil: Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
Major Gowen: "How To Murder Your Wife"?
Basil: Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

Basil: Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
Major Gowen: Oh. Shot, was he?
Basil: No, No. Died in his sleep.
Major Gowen: In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

Basil: He gets paid for sticking his nose--
Sybil: Oh, Basil--
Basil: No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts-- details!

Basil: He's drunk!
Sybil: Drunk?
Basil: Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!
Sybil: I don't believe it!
Basil: Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

Basil: Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the usual fashion. [to Melbury] Could you fill it in, please? [to O'Reilly] Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? [to Melbury] There. There. [to O'Reilly] Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. [to Melbury] Both names, please. [to O'Reilly] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
Melbury: I'm sorry?
Basil: Could you put both your names please? [to O'Reilly] Well, can you give me a date?
Melbury: I only use one.
Basil: You don't have a first name?
Melbury: No. I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
Basil: [to O'Reilly] Go away. [hangs up] So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

Basil: I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

Basil: I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
Sybil: Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

Basil: Is there something wrong?
Elder Herr: Will you stop talking about the war?
Basil: Me! You started it!
Elder Herr: We did not start it!
Basil: Yes you did -- you invaded Poland.

Basil: Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.