He's drunk!
Drunk?
Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!
I don't believe it!
Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.
“Gourmet Night” · Season 1
In this episode: Basil Fawlty (5), Sybil Fawlty (2), Polly Sherman (1)
[yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough! You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]
André thinks Thursdays are a good idea.
Thursday?
AAndre
Hmm, I think so.
Good! Then on all other days we'll serve up a great big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.
[Basil is dealing with young Ronald Heath, a loathsome brat]
RRonald
I don't like the chips...They're the wrong shape, and they're just awful. Haven't you got any properly-shaped chips?
[with characteristically-surreptitious menace] What shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the eye shape? - God, you're dumb.
RRonald
What a dump...! I'd like some salad cream for this bread.
Well, the mayonnaise is right there.
RRonald
I asked for salad cream, stupid.
We don't have any of what you call salad cream; the chef made that mayonnaise freshly this morning.
RRonald
That's puke, that is.
Well, at least it's fresh puke!
[Polly is trying to tell Basil that Kurt is drunk in front of the guests]
He's potted the shrimps.
What?
He's potted the shrimps!
Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... [starts to walk away with the guests]
He's soused! [beat] The herrings.
What are you on about?
[slowly] He's pickled the onions and he's smashed the eggs in his pot [crosses eyes] under the table.
[to the guests] Excuse me. [to Polly] Have you been drinking?
No, not me!
Then will you behave yourself!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fawlty Towers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.