(Ted receives bad news)
Father Ted (sitting down): No Dougal, very bad news. It's the Holy Stone of Clonrichert. The Vatican have decided to upgrade it to a Class II relic.
No it's not great! That means they'll be sending over some bishops to do a ceremony. And you know what that's like - we'll have to be on our best behaviour.
I thought there was something up with the Holy Stone. Wasn't someone cured there?
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
The bishops will come around, and see that we're a normal, everyday parish, and go away. Nothing to worry about at all!
(Father Jack, who has used the fire to light a cigarette, gets up from the fireplace, his head on fire. Oblivious, he sits back down to continue reading a magazine entitled "Girls")
(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)
Right, father, now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.
Drink! (throws can of beer)
Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.
No, you can't say that either.
Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.
Right, now I want you to have a look at this.
(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an ecumenical matter" and “Yes” written on it)
Have a go at the first one here... "That". (points to word)
Now come on, father, concentrate. "That".
(this continues a few more times)
Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.
Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".
(trying very very hard). Th.. th... th... h.... Drink!
Come on now father you almost had it! "That".
Th.. th... th... h.... That!
Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would"
(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)
BFBishop Fachs
Do you think a close relationship with the lay community is desirable, or should a certain distance be maintained?
Yes...good question! I think we should...involve the lay community...but keep them at a distance.
BFBishop Fachs
How much of a distance?
BFBishop Fachs
So many people are cynical about such things. You can hardly open a newspaper these days without reading some trendy anti-clerical article written by some bearded lefty!
BFBishop Fachs
A spell in the Army would do them a world of good!
That would be an ecumenical matter!
(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)
Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen.
(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)
(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)
(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)
Oh. You're welcome Bishop.
(correcting him). No, no. "Eddie".
Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?
BOBishop O'Neill (Eddie)
No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. (gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)
(Hippies in a VW Kombi drive up)
(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)
(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)
Ah, your grace. (quietly) The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... (motions head towards Facks's buttocks)
(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)
(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)
God Bless. (Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)
(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)
That went pretty well I thought.
[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]
No Father, it's just fizzy water.
Jacob's Creek chardonnay 1991!
You can tell just by the sound?
God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?
FFrank
Fup off, you grasshole!
(Father Dougal and Father Damien Lennon have finished playing football and are standing in front of Damien's parochial house)
FDFather Damien
(smoking) Here, you want one? (offers cigarette to Dougal)
Ah no thanks Father Lennon.
(Father Damien puts cigarettes back into his pocket)
What time's your tea ready?
FDFather Damien
Frosty usually has it about six.
FDFather Damien
(annoyed). Frosty! Father Frost!
(incredibly impressed by Damien's attitude) Oh wow! "Frosty"! Brilliant!
(Father Damien flicks cigarette from his hand out of the frame)
FDFather Damien
What do you call your fella?
(Father Damien looks very unimpressed)
But it's the way I say it, you know?
FDFather Damien
He's an awful eejit isn't he?
(In the background, Father Frost walks out of the parochial house)
FDFather Damien
Which one do you prefer, Oasis or Blur?
FDFather Damien
(shocked) What???
FFFather Frost
(in the background) Father Damien, your tea is ready!
FDFather Damien
(yelling) I'LL BE IN INNA MINUTE!
FFrank
Fup off, ya pedrophile!
(A resident of Craggy Island speaks to Father Ted about the front page news of the stolen whistle)
EElderly Lady
Hello Father, did you hear about the whistle being stolen?
EElderly Lady
I never thought that I'd see the like. What next? Somebody will be murdered, and then where are we? Drive by shootings in the night, it'll be like Boyz in the Hood. And then they'll have whores selling their wares in the middle of the street and the pimps will be using crack cocaine to keep the whores under control--' [Gun shot fires in background] '--I'm going home now, Father, to lock meself in the basement til they catch that fella. Good-bye to ye father.
(Ted and Dougal are asleep in bed. Dougal is talking in his sleep... dreaming that he is a contestant on Countdown)
Consonant please Carol.... Vowel... another consonant.
(Ted is awake)
(Ted turns the light on and gets up)
Richard. Where you going?
Dougal, I am not Richard Whiteley. Go back to sleep. You're dreaming.
(Ted leaves the room and turns the light off)
Consonant. Put your clothes back on, Carol, I can't concentrate.
(Ted and Dougal are sitting down at breakfast. Ted had discovered the stolen whistle the night before in Dougal's jacket)
Dougal, is there anything on your mind?
(Dougal looks around, a dumb expression on his face)
Let me re-phrase that. Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you in some way?
Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong?
Yes Dougal. "Wrong". You remember right and wrong? The difference between the two? Page one of "How to be a Catholic".
(Dougal looks clueless and confused)
Honestly Dougal, this is very basic stuff.
(Dougal continues to look confused)
What is "wrong"? Give me an example of something that's "wrong".
(trying very hard to rise to this intellectual challenge) Just give me a second Ted. (stands up)
Arson. There's one. (pause) Murder. (pause) Swearing.
(Dougal is racking his brains)
Err... Emm... Err... L.. Lying?
(animated) Well done Dougal! Yes!
(Dougal begins to collapse. The strain of thinking was too much)
Dougal are you all right?
I'm fine Ted I just need to sit down.
(Dougal sits back down)
Sorry about that Dougal. I probably pushed you a bit hard there.
(Dougal places his head on the table in exhaustion)
Dougal, something else that's wrong is... stealing.
(Dougal looks up at Ted. He's beginning to recover)
What I'm trying to say is that it's wrong to steal. Stealing is just something you don't do.
Well you're allowed to steal.
(indignant) What are you talking about?
The money. From that Lourdes thing.
(Ted is lost for words and is very uncomfortable and beginning to get angry)
(defensively) Different thing altogether Dougal. First of all, that money was just resting in my account before I moved it on!
It was resting for a long time Ted.
(frustrated) Look Dougal, we're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU!
Is there anything you want to tell me about?
(Ted reaches into his top pocket and produces the stolen whistle)
