D’know what this is like, Ted? It’s like The Sting. I’m Robert Redford and you’re Paul Newman (he leaves the room towards the right side of the open door, then he goes round before walking into the door)
S2Think Fast, Father Ted
Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles. [cut to Father Jack trapped in a store cupboard with Father Purcell, becoming more frantic and irate]
We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler ... [Ted opens the door]
Are you alright there, Fathers?
HELP ME!!!
Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Er I don't know what you're....
Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that! [Ted has to prevent Jack punching an oblivious Purcell]
[to Father Purcell] Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Thank CHRIST! [Jack quickly leaves and locks Ted in his place]
Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!
Would you like a ticket, Father?
Did you get those specially? You can buy them down the shop. Any number you like - ah, one, seven, 20, 112.
112?
All the way up to 409, I think it is. If you want more, they send off for them. They come back in an envelope. Normal kind of thing. Rectangular, four corners, you know. That's the way I like them anyway, the old envelopes. No round envelopes for me! No way, Jose.
S2Tentacles of Doom
Bloody hell!
Good news Ted?
(on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.
But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Dougal! They're bishops!
(looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
(points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.
Bishops love sci-fi!
[apoplectic] Dougal, we are not watching Aliens!!!
[The three bishops look at Ted, stunned. Ted regains his compsoure.]
Anyway, back to religion.
That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.
(to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.
Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.
Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
No, a dog ran off with them.
Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
(after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.
So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you've been having with beliefs or anything like that?
Well you know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?
Yeah...
And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Uh huh...
And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Yes. What about it?
Well that's the part I have trouble with!
(to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?
AAll
Amen.
Eamonn.
Everlasting Life? Big Demons sticking hot pokers up Your arse for all Eternity? I don't buy it
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.