(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)
How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!
S1Good Luck, Father Ted
Who's for tea?
Tea?! Feck!
Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Feck off, cup!
(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Our Father, who art in heaven...
(sternly) Hallowed.
Hallowed be thy..
Name!
Papa don't preach...
Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways.
Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Yes, that was a good one all right.
(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Father Dougal McGuire.
Good night Dougal!
Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Yes, Tom?
I've killed a man.
(nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!
Terry (On the phone to Ted): Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.
Ted (smiling): Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. The go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.
Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!
(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)
MMary
Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
JJohn
At least that's one pair between us.
They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.
How old was he?
I'd say he was about 80.
And how long were you up on him?
About an hour?
So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
(Father Dougal, walks in to the living room. He has shaving cream all over his face)
Er.. Dougal? There's some shaving cream just there (points to his own face)
(Dougal looks carefully at Ted's face)
No there's not Ted. No. You're grand.
No. On You.
Where exactly Ted?
Dougal it's all over the place.
(Dougal walks over to a mirror)
How on earth did all that get there? I didn't even shave this morning! (Towels face)
(Dougal walks over to the window to check the weather)
(Smiling) God it's lovely out!
(A tropical hurricane is destroying things outside)
(Dougal is excited about Funland, an annual fair on Craggy Island, which opens that afternoon
They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this ol' fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.
How old was he?
I'd say he was about 80.
And how long were you up on him?
About an hour?
So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
(Dougal is at the window looking through binoculars. Somehow he is able to see a close-up of an ants nest)
The ants are back Ted!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.