Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
S3Are You Right There, Father Ted?
CICraggy Island Farmer
I hear you're a racist now, father.
Look at that! A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window!
But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.
I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht!
[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide pills we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!
NVNazi Veteran
Oh, shut up!
FSFather Seamus Fitzpatrick
You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!
Dougal, look.
(Dougal gives Ted a lampshade that he is holding. Ted puts it on his head and proceeds to do an offensive impression of a Chinese person)
I am Chinese, if you please!
Come on, Dougal, lighten up! [Chuckles]
(Ted turns around, and sees a family of Chinese people watching through the window. He is horrified, and takes the lampshade off of his head.)
[pointing at the window] Dougal, there were Chinese people there!
All right, yeah.
I mean, what... what...
That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.
Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to see me doing a Chinaman impression!
Why not, Ted?
Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist!
(cut to Ted stood in front of the Yin family's car, with the engine revving)
And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get this thing called "fat eyes." [the car drives around Ted and speeds away] I hope you don't think it was of a racist nature! Thanks now, see you, bye!
CColm
Hello there, Father!
Ah, hello Colm! Out and about?
CColm
Yeah. Same as yourself.
Good, good!
CColm
I hear you're a racist now, Father!
Wha-what?
CColm
How'd you get interested in that type of thing?
Who said I'm a racist?!
CColm
Everyone's saying it, Father! Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this?
No! No-
CColm
Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.
CMrs. Carberry
Good for you, Father!
What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!
CMrs. Carberry
Good for you, Father! Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women, and acting like they own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to feckin'... [slipping and sliding on the muddy ground] Feckin' Greeks!
CColm
It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!
I AM NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!
CMrs. Carberry
I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!
LOOK, WE ARE NOT HAVING A GO AT ANYBODY! I AM NOT A RACIST, ALL RIGHT?! God!
CMrs. Carberry
FECKIN' GREEKS!
[...]
CColm
How's Mary?
CMrs. Carberry
She's fine, she got that job after all.
CColm
Great!
SYSean Yin
Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly!
Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink!
AAll
Hooray!
[...]
To China!
AAll
Hooray!
SYSean Yin
To Craggy Island!
AAll
Hooray!
More drink!
AAll
Hooray!
BBartender
I'm sorry, the bar's closed.
AAll
Hooray!
Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink?
AAll
Hooray!
Wait, I need to go to the toilet first!
AAll
Hooray!
[After unwittingly bringing the Chinese back to a Parochial House full of Nazi memorabilia]
...I can explain everything! [beat] Actually, no, I can't.
S3Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep
Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)
I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Mrs Doyle (suddenly serious): Yes.
Father Ted (taken aback): What?
Yes, we do have some sheep tea.
Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.
Mrs Doyle (overjoyed): Okay so!
Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed): Fuckin' hell!
AAlan
Should I call the police, Father?
No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.
"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."
"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."
"Why?"
"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"
"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"
"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."
"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.