Mrs Doyle quotes from Father Ted

Mrs. Doyle

Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Father Ted

What! How dare you!

Mrs. Doyle

Shall I make the beds in the spare room?

[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!

Mrs. Doyle

OK so... would you like a cup of tea?

[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[uncertain] Ok so...

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...

Mrs. Doyle

Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?

[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.

Mrs. Doyle

[looks confusedly at Father Ted]

Father Ted

[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.

Mrs. Doyle

[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?

[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]

Mrs. Doyle

[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]

Mrs Doyle

Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?

He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell!

Mrs Doyle

Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?

Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..."

Mrs Doyle

[thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves]

Where are you going? HELP ME!

Mrs Doyle

Well, as long as we all go to America with you... that's the important thing. I think if I heard that I couldn't go for any reason, I'd have to say that that would be the single most crushing blow of my life. A disappointment like that? I don't see how I could live with it. I might have to take the ultimate step... and take my own life!

Father Ted

Mrs Doyle that's a terrible thing to say!

Mrs Doyle

Well it doesn't matter anyway because I am going to America! (laughs hysterically)

Dougal

(genuinely excited) You know Ted, all my life I've dreamed about something really special happening to me, and now it is! I think this is the greatest moment of my life!

Mrs Doyle

(her head popping up behind Dougal) Me too!

Father Jack

BIG BRAS!

Mrs Doyle

Well, it's not before time Father. I always thought you were one of the best priests in the country.

Father Ted

Thank you very much Mrs Doyle. One of the best? Or maybe the best? Hahaha, go on Mrs Doyle! Honestly, would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment?

Mrs Doyle

Well...

Father Ted

If you don't think I'm the best priest in the country, just say so. I honestly won't mind!

Mrs Doyle

I'd say you might be... the second best!

Mrs Doyle

I mean --

Father Ted

No, it's alright! I'm not the best priest in the country, I'm only the second best. There's somebody better than me, apparently.

Mrs Doyle

Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests who work in very poor areas.

Father Ted

Oh yeah, of course, those lads! Father Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the likes!

Mrs Doyle

Well, I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man!

Father Ted

Hahaha, oh right! Oh great! So a Protestant is better than me.

Father Ted

No, no no, there's no need to continue this, I'm not the best, I'm just the second best. Apparently the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize. Well, I'm so sorry! Obviously I'm just an idiot! Obviously I can't even say Mass properly!

Mrs Doyle

Father, I was just --

Father Ted

NO! Don't take it back! THAT'S what you said! You said I wasn't the best priest in the country! That's fine! I just wanted to know where I stand. Obviously now I'm just going to have to jack it in.

Mrs Doyle

WHAT?!

Father Ted

I'm leaving the priesthood!

Mrs Doyle

BUT FATHER!

Father Ted

NO! I am going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early retirement and maybe when I go, you can ask the other priest; "Father Peter Perfect, the Perfect Priest" to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously such a great priest!

Mrs. Doyle

Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today...

Father Ted

[horrified] The funeral! I completely forgot all about it!

Mrs. Doyle

It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it.

Father Ted

[calming down] That's ok so... [realises what she said and panics] DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL!

Dougal

Sorry about that.

Mrs Doyle

Father Andy Riley.

No.

Mrs Doyle

Father Desmond Coyle. [priest shakes head] Father George Byrne? Father David Nicholson? Father Declan Lynch?

I'll give you a clue.

Mrs Doyle

NO CLUES!! I'll get it in a second. Father Ken Sweeney? Father Neil Hannon? Father Keith Cullen? Father Ciaran Donnelly? Father Mick McEvoy? Father Jack White?

Mrs Doyle

Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin’? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Fury? Father Chewy Louie? Father John Hoop? Father Hairycake Lynam? Father Rabulah Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tighthead Lips? Father Jemima Ractoole? Father Jerry Twig? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Cannabranna Lammer? Father Todd Unctious?

YES! Well done!