Cleveland Brown quotes from Family Guy

Bonnie

Oh my God, that was so much fun!

Lois

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!

Joe

Peter? Peter?

Peter

Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

Quagmire

It's the best show you're not watching!

Cleveland

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Peter

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Joe

No way!

Quagmire

Cool!

Cleveland

That thing don't bite, do it?

Peter

Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.

Pick a lane, bitch!

Peter

Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?

I had a gay experience at camp!

Peter

[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?

Peter

Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!

Joe

It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

Peter

I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]

Oh, God!

Peter

Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Cleveland

Ice now. Heat later.

Cleveland

Hey, Death. What are you doing here?

Actually, I'm...here for your show.

Cleveland

Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation!

Cleveland

Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]

Peter

[normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!

Joe

Hi!

Quagmire

Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!

Cleveland

Alright, I knew this was comin'! Everybody, gimme your best shot!

Quagmire

Oh, my G - where do I even begin? You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!

Joe

Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.

Cleveland

We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.

Quagmire

That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!

Cleveland

This is good. This is constructive.

Quagmire

The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlene quit voicing him after Season 2.

Cleveland

It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.

Quagmire

[laughs] It worked out okay in movie form!

Joe

What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?

Cleveland

Anything else?

Peter

Yeah, here's four seasons' worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time - these have jokes in 'em.

Cleveland

I...I don't have a DVD player.

I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me.

Peter

Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm.

I feel like you should help out more around the house.

Cleveland

I feel salty and sweet. (to the counselor): You got white-chocolate French fries?

I feel like my cervix hurts.

Peter, when is Lois' birthday?

Peter

Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?

April 20th.

Peter

Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.

Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?

Joe

Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.

Cleveland-

Cleveland

Pass.

Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?

Quagmire

Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?

Quagmire

Wow, this is even more pussy than I can handle!

Cleveland

[thinking] Is he gonna say "Giggity"? Should I say "Giggity"? Are other people allowed to say "Giggity"? [talking] Giggity.

Peter

What?

Cleveland

[mumbles] Nothing, it's stupid.

Cleveland

Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.

Cleveland

It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."

Quagmire

Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.

Peter

Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?

Joe

I am not an idiot.

Cleveland

I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.

Peter

Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?

Cleveland

I don't know. Be my guest.

Peter

It says "Lana Del Rey."

Joe

Peter, I'm going crazy up here.

Cleveland

We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.

Peter

Damn it, you're right. [yells through hatch] Lois, let us out of here!

Lois

No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!

Peter

Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!

Lois

You wouldn't dare!

Peter

Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!

Quagmire

What I'm not doing with that?!

Lois

You leave my dress alone, Peter!

Cleveland

If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.

Quagmire

What are you nuts?!

Cleveland

I've been crowning for 6 hours!

Peter

Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!

Quagmire

Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!

Joe

I miss Bonnie!

Lois

Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!

Quagmire

Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!

Peter

That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!

Lois

[angry sighs] Dammit! [she goes into the bathroom ablnd grabs a towel holder off, while Meg sits on the toilet]

Not all snake bites are lethal.

Lois

There! You happy!?

Cleveland

You were too late. We pooed on the gown.

Joe

Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.

Quagmire

I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.

Peter

Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.

Lois

[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?

Quagmire

I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...

Peter

Cleveland, you didn't tell us you had plans with Jerome.

Cleveland

Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.

Peter

If you checked my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

Joe

Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.

Quagmire

That's what they got you doing down there?

Joe

Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.

Cleveland

You buy special cheese for a gerbil?

Joe

Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.

Joe

It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee-pee.

Cleveland

So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?

Joe

Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.

[reads Peter's hat] USS Nathan James?

Peter

Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

...and Man.

Cleveland

Uh-oh.

Cleveland

Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of?

Joe

They ran out of those batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.