Joe Swanson quotes from Family Guy

Ahhh, there we go.

Meg

(bleeps) Dad.

S18 Connie's Celica

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[Joe is at the Griffins' door]

Hey, buddy. What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Joe

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

What?!

What are you talking about? Meg's right here.

[wind blows the wig off the barrel the family thought was Meg]

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Chris

Or when we rented that convertible.

[to Joe] How did this happen?!

Joe

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.

Oh, dear God, no!

Joe

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene. It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back. Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy. It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago. Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya. Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich. Again, I'm very sorry.

S18 Better Off Meg

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Hey, look. A pair of working legs. Dibs on these!

Joe

What? Aw, come on, Quagmire!

Joe, I said "dibs".

Joe

No, no. You're right. You said "dibs".

S19 Stewie's First Word

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Wow, Cleveland, I had no idea you played baseball! Too bad you couldn't hit a home run with The Cleveland Show.

Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff.

Joe

More of a foul out.

It. Was. A. Double!

S19 Tales of Former Sports Glory

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Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive.

[Lois clicks on her remote, cut to a Netflix menu on the screen asking a question]

You've been watching for a while. Are you still alive?

[Underneath the question are "Yes" and "No" as possible answers, Lois selects "Yes" and another question appears onscreen]

Are you sure? You've watched three non-Michael Scott episodes in a row.

[Lois selects "Yes" again and another question appears]

Sorry, we have to ask again to make sure you're not a cat walking on the remote. Are-- are you a cat walking on the remote?

[The word "Meow" replaces "Yes" as a possible answer, Lois selects "No" and another message appears]

Okay, sorry to give you the third degree. I can see you're going through some stuff.

[Lois hears a knock on the door]

Joe

[offscreen] Hey, Lois, is everything okay? Uh, our Netflix says your Netflix is worried about you.

S20 Prescription Heroine

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Joe

I bet you're gonna discover some cool new things you couldn't do while walking.

Jerome

Like what?

Joe

Well, have you yelled at someone for using the handicapped stall yet?

S21 Unzipped Code

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You forgot your anniversary again.

Yeah, and what's worse, I lied and I told Lois I had an awesome gift planned for tonight. If I don't come up with somethin' amazing, I am so screwed.

Joe

Hey, you want to give Lois a treat? Popcorn-ucopia. Now, they're a little outfit out there in Fort Wayne, Indiana, family owned and operated for five generations over there in the "crossroads of America." Indiana's state motto. And get this. They make a metal cannister with three different kinds of popcorn, but they're separated!

Maybe you should just take Lois out to a fine restaurant.

Joe

Now, I can hear some of you saying, "Joe, why separated?"

None of us are sayin' that, Joe.

Joe

Okay, here's why. Three flavors of popcorn in one tin, and they don't mix. Unless, of course, you want them to mix. This is a home run, man.

[to Peter] Kind of short notice to get a good table in any restaurant.

Joe

I don't think you appreciate that they don't mix. Your caramel corn stays separate from your cheese corn, which stays separate from your corn corn. You see, in the past, you would need three tubs of corn.

Yes, we get it! We know about the corn, Joe!

Joe

[chuckles] Honestly, I don't think you do.

S22 Baby, It's Cold Inside

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Look, l know Peter said some very mean things, but what's important now is that no one is hurt.

Joe

That's not entirely true, Lois. Your... reusable grocery bags didn't make it.

[chuckles] What?

Joe

Your bags. [takes out Lois' burnt bags] They were lost in the fire.