Chris Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

[enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Lois

[to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?

Chris

What happened to her?

Lois

She was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.

Chris

That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Stewie

Brian, hurry!

Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.

Chris

I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!

Lois

You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris

I did what?

Lois

You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris

I did what?

Lois

You bought Vine and shut it down.

Chris

I did what?

Chris

I can't believe I have to go to vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?

Lois

No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

Peter

Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.

Chris

Can I change my grip?

Peter

Wow, much better.

Chris

It's a more familiar motion.

I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.

Lois

Contracts with God?

Yep, it's a written commitment, to forgo all alcohol, drugs, and self-pleasure.

Chris

...Yeah, I'm gonna have my lawyer look at this.

Peter

This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...

Meg

Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?

Chris

And in go the earbuds.

Chris

I kind of wasted my life except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.

Stewie

What?

Who's out there?

Chris

Settle down. I just got some company.

Well, aren't you going to introduce me?

Chris

I'm getting to that. If you'll give me a second.

I wanna have a look at them.

Chris

Hey, numbskull. That's how we got in trouble the last time.

Peter

Hey, buddy. What brings you around at this late hour with your uniform on and your hat held mournfully against your chest?

Joe

Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.

Lois

What?!

Peter

What are you talking about? Meg's right here.

Peter

You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.

Chris

Or when we rented that convertible.

Lois

[to Joe] How did this happen?!

Joe

She got in a car wreck, and was burned beyond recognition, and I leveled up on Fortnite this weekend, but you probably only care about the first two things.

Lois

Oh, dear God, no!

Joe

All we found was Meg's driver's license at the scene. It had her Quiznos punch card stuck to the back. Your little angel was one stamp away from a free sub, which only adds to this horrific tragedy. It's actually pretty impressive, because the card was only issued three days ago. Usually one of the guys would swipe a thing like this, use it on the way home, but I snagged it for ya. Thought Meg's family ought to be the ones to enjoy the free sandwich. Again, I'm very sorry.

you're watching CBS. The loudest channel on tv.

[The loudest channel Starts blowing the Griffins away.] PREVIOUSLY ON NCIS...

Peter

Ah, son of a bitch!

Chris

[with a bloody ear] DAD, IT HURTS!

Lois

I love you Peter!

Peter

[Now with a bloody nose] I'm Browning out. See you on the other side!

Meg

Where's Brian?

Chris

Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.

Stewie

It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.

Guys?...Guys?!

Chris

God.

Principal Shepherd

Good.

Chris

Movement.

Principal Shepherd

Morning.

Chris

Anglebird.

Principal Shepherd

Everyone.

Chris

The stagnant cancer muting.

Principal Shepherd

The student council meeting.

Stewie

[crossly] I hate this. When do I get my cookie? I want my cookie so I can go home.

Now please join me in silent prayer and as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent, today's coffee service will not include chewy Chips Ahoy.

Stewie

[furiously, censored] FUCK!

Chris

Hey, Stewie said his first word, and it was a swear!

Peter

Well, this is unacceptable! We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast! Unbelievable! [Walks out of the church and enters the car] Let's go!

Lois

Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!

Peter

Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.

Chris

Same.

Peter

[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.

Peter

Alright, time to put up the 2020 Christmas Decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, followed closely by the Three Genderless Wise-people on their Bird Scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them, because God forbid we call a boy a boy.

Chris

Dad, what are you say-?

Peter

[interrupting] I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GONNA BE OUR TURN!?