PCPeter and Chris
Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
What is that? What's happening?
PCPeter and Chris
[carrying mattresses] Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga! Unga-Bunga!
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing "Unga-Bunga". It's the championship.
Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.00.
What the hell is "Unga-Bunga"?
Two guys run into each other with mattresses and, um, that's kinda it.
ChrisStop explaining it to the dog! Let's do this!
[Chris and Peter run into each other with mattresses]
Stop it! I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris
Where?
[whacks Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into the TV and breaks it, much to Stewie's dismay]
Peter, what's going on in...
[whacks Lois with his mattress] Unga-Bunga!
[becomes angry] You... You imbeciles! You've ruined my night! I asked for one thing in this house!
Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV! [his face turns red with anger as he starts crying] I WANNA WATCH MY SHOW! [cries, throws himself on the ground and starts throwing his tantrum]
Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [Stewie bites her thumb] OW! Screw you, ya little turd!
[Stewie throws a photo right at the door and it crashes]
[enters the living room] What's all that noise? [sees Stewie upset] Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister? [picks Stewie up and is headbutted] OW!
[puts Stewie in bed after he is out of control] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. [turns the light off] Now, you stay in here until you can behave. [slams the door and leaves]
I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish I was never born! [sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.
TATV Announcer
We now return to yet another Indiana Jones movie.
IJIndiana Jones
Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
SSnake
Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Brian, are you feeling all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Chris
Meg, Brian's not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
(chuckles) (retching loudly)
Peter, you got to take him now!
Help, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.
[to Peter, walking by with a black wig and carrying brown paint] What are you doin'?
Lois, to show I'm in touch with what it's like to be African-American, I am gonna go to the middle of the town square, get naked and paint myself brown.
No, no. That's offensive. You can't pretend to be black. That's a stupid idea.
[enraged] It's a stupid idea! You're a stupid man! [Furiously rolls her magazine and starts beating Peter with it] A stupid, stupid man!
Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it! Stop it, Lois!
No! I'm so sick of your crap! Why do you always do these stupid things?! And why do you always announce them to me BEFORE YOU DO THEM?! ARE YOU TRYIN' TO GET A RISE OUTTA ME?! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
[sobbingly] No, no, it's not what l want! It's not what I want! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[Chris and Meg see this on the stairs]
Chris
It's never been this bad before. What do we do?
[They take off their hats and start taking off their hair]
Chris
I'm in charge of my head, that much l know!
You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris
Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!
Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris
SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!
Okay, he found a burn he likes.
[Chris and Quagmire sit on a couch in Quagmire's house]
Okay, Chris, I think you'll be a great assistant. Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?
Chris
Uh, no, I don't think so.
Alright, I guess it'll be a light day today, but tomorrow, you should come wearing those.
Chris
Okay, got it.
Now, the first thing I need you to do is punch me in the stomach because I'm bad. [he stands up]
Chris
Is this a trick?
It's the furthest thing from a trick, go ahead. And it should be pretty hard, I'm a worse person than you think.
[Chris punches him in the stomach extremely hard. Quagmire hunches over and grunts in pain]
[strained] Okay, that's really good. Now I need you to call Time Warner about my cable bill.
AAnnouncer
Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.
[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]
Chris
This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!
[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]
Oh my God, Chris is out of control!
I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.
If she says yes, you're gonna surprise everyone, just like you did on New Year Eve.
[Cutaway]
Chris
Some animals give me boners!
[Everyone looks at Chris as balloons drop to the ground]
Chris
Brian, we can't have a bat flying around the house. We gotta do something.
Don't worry, Chris, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.
[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]
You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.
[the kids look out the window]
Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
Chris
I don't think that's right.
No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.
[Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]
I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?
Chris
Sorry amigo, not interested.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
