Brian quotes from Family Guy

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Oh, just die already.

Meg

EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!

NO!

Peter

There's gotta be an explanation for all this!

You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter

I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

Peter

...Oh yeah.

[eating an apple] Well, well, well. Looks like someone's in love.

Stewie

HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh...excluding that first "HA."

Uh-huh. Face it, you're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

Stewie

AHA! Her eyes are GREEN!

AHA! Thank you for proving my point.

Stewie

DAMN!

[Inspecting passengers at the airport for contraband] No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

Joe

Well looks like that's it except for the flight crew.

Quagmire

Hey-ey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Joe

Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.

Quagmire

Oh yeah? How good are you?

[Sniffs Quagmire's crotch] You're back from Manila. You had Lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two Filipino women. [Sniffs again] And a man.

Quagmire

You mean three Filipino women.

Quagmire

[Realizes he slept with a man] Noooo!

Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris

Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Lois

Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.

Peter

[imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!

Stewie

Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.

[imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?

Stewie

Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.

Stewie

The port is quite good.

Yes, quite good.

Chris

Indeed.

Peter

Most certainly.

What year is it?

Chris

'51.

Ah.

Peter

Delectable.

Stewie

Indeed.

Chris

Yes.

Peter

[catches fire] Oh, dear!

What is it?

Peter

I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie

Oh, I am sorry.

Peter

Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie

Ah, very good then.

Chris

For the best.

Yes, indeed.

Stewie

Oh, is it raining again?

Peter

I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.

Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?

Peter

[internally] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doing' your wife... [aloud] Doin' your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?

Lois

Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.

Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...

Lois

"Don we now our gay apparel."

[puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Lois

Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?

Sure.

Lois

And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?

Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.

Stewie

Shut up. You're not my mother.

Good God, are you alright?

Stewie

Fine. Why do you ask?

Stewie

[encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?

Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?

Stewie

[yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!

[in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?

Stewie

That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!

Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]

Stewie

It's a fake. It's not real.

I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.

Stewie

I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!

Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Tom

[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake's picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie

HE GON' GET IT!

Tom

Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Meg

So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?

Yup.

Meg

Wow! Where’d ya get it?

Oh. I got a guy.

Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

[sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?

Peter

Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.

What do you need a seeing eye dog for?

Peter

Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.

We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]

Peter

Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.

Peter

Your wife's cheatin' on ya.

Cleveland

What?!

Peter

Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!".

Uh, Peter...

Peter

Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?

[bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?

Bam!

Peter

So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?