Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

No, don't. Don't say it like that.

Stewie

And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him! This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.

Okay, but that felt intentional.

Peter

You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!

Lois

Yeah, Cool.

Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!

Chris

Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie

Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!

Chris

SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie

Okay, he found a burn he likes.

Stewie

Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.

Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?

Stewie

[loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.

People in love can overcome anything.

Stewie

I guess you're right. I mean look at Jeb Bush and his wife.

Honey, do you think I'll ever become president?

No ... no ... no.

[angry] Stewie!

Stewie

What? It's just a joke.

Yeah, but come on!

Stewie

Look it up, man. Google her!

[admittedly] I know what she looks like.

Stewie

I can't believe we're in India. Oh, look over there. Those cute little kids are playing Cowboys and Indians and Indians.

I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun.

I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow.

I'm just going to stand here, wearing a shirt that appears to be a jacket.

Lois

What did he say? Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.

Stewie

"Not appropriate"? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.

Lois

Huh, this one's wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: This one too. [walks to another seat]: Also wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

Stewie! Elliot!

It...it...it's actually "Brian". We've...we've met many times before.

Then who's Elliot?

I ... I really wouldn't know.

Stewie

This is a bad start to whatever he's doing.

Wow, what a day!

Stewie

Please don't comment. There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Peter

Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?

Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.

Peter

Are you... Are you gay?

Stewie

Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figure, you know, who else but Quagmire?

Lois

Hey, awesome for you.

Stewie

If she says yes, you're gonna surprise everyone, just like you did on New Year Eve.

3... 2... 1...

Chris

Some animals give me boners!

I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.

Stewie

Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.

Peter

Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini until they cover up uncomfortably. [to Bonnie] So, Bonnie. How are things going?

Bonnie

Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, [Peter stares at her breasts] what with Susie starting to... [covers up]

Peter

Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.

Quagmire

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?

Peter

Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show [Quagmire stares at his breasts] called "Shipping Wars" and it's kind of...

Quagmire

Okay, bye.

Chris

I’m Joy.

Meg

I’m Sadness.

Stewie

I’m Anger.

Lois

I’m Disgust.

Peter

I’m Poo.

Oooh, I need to use the bathroom.

What's wrong with you?

Stewie

It's my back. It's killing me.

Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.

Stewie

No, this time it's not a bit. I'm in so much pain. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Meg

Okay, now you heard Mom say I'm in charge. So, I just wanna lay a few ground rules.

Stewie

Yep.

Meg

I promise we're gonna have fun, but there will be a schedule.

Stewie

Uh-huh.

Meg

Just to keep everything running smoothly.

Stewie

Sure, gotta have boundaries.

Meg

And I may assign a chore or two.

Stewie

Sounds great, Meg.

Meg

Because it's more fun when everyone pitches in.

Stewie

Hey, by the way.

Meg

AAAAAAAAH!

Stewie

I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.

Stewie

I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.

[correcting him] The fat woman.

Stewie

He hasn't chopped it off yet.

That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.

Stewie

And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.