Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Please rub the H and the C off all the knobs, so people won't know what's going on. I want the first 4 minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger.

Stewie

[as Peter is unable to stand up due to his sleeping feet] By the way, you're down to 5% battery.

Stewie

[hearing what that sound was coming from] It ain't a box of chocolates.

Stewie

Post Raisin Bran: like Kellogg's, but worse!

Stewie

Feels a little humid.

Stewie

[in detention in the elementary school] My God, these kids have their teeth. And where are their pacifiers? How do they ever sleep? Detention kids are scary. Especially that fourth grader writing on the board.

Stewie

Aw, that is such a load of [switches to Mickey Mouse voice] truth! A wonderful load of truth!

Stewie

The Maryonettes are still attacking me. All my accounts are being flooded, they doxxed my favorite Froyo place, and someone even made a deep fake of me at the Capitol riots.

Stewie

I was there, but I never went inside the building, man!

Stewie

Your iPad flashlight is on. God, she's old.

Stewie Griffin

It's not alive! IT'S NOT ALIVE!

Stewie

[looks at statue] Kinda weird we're doing a Christmas pageant in the shadow of a Civil War memorial. [reading placard] "Dedicated to the brave men of Townsville who lost their lives fighting to preserve our traditions." Traditions? Wh- What? What are they saying there?

Stewie

I'm a single unwed baby. I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri. I've got a steady allowance, I like to time travel, I'm potty trained, and here I am, no ring on my finger.

Stewie

Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion.

Lois

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Stewie

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Lois

Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.

Stewie

But of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!

Lois

No toys, Stewie.

Stewie

Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.

Stewie

[playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!

Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie

Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?

Can you count to three?

Stewie

Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

Stewie

Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois

My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.

Stewie

Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?

Lois

Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Stewie

Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Stewie

Stupid greedy savages.

Lois

Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

Stewie

Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

Meg

Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?

Peter

Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!