Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

How did you know what he was doing?

Stewie

I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.

Chris

I kind of wasted my life except I obsessed over teaching my penis how to talk.

Stewie

What?

Who's out there?

Chris

Settle down. I just got some company.

Well, aren't you going to introduce me?

Chris

I'm getting to that. If you'll give me a second.

I wanna have a look at them.

Chris

Hey, numbskull. That's how we got in trouble the last time.

Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.

Stewie

Thank you, shape-shifting valet.

Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.

Stewie

Yeah, but you're already this so.

Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.

Stewie

Poo-poo!

No! We do not touch poo-poo in this family! We do not touch poo-poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there are no bubbles later.

Stewie

Yes! Bubbles!

No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.

Stewie

Yes! Bubbles!

Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.

Meg

Where's Brian?

Chris

Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.

Stewie

It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.

Guys?...Guys?!

Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?

Stewie

Oh boy. Brian's upset because someone has something he hasn't. Do you know what I'm getting for your birthday? The ability to be happy for other people.

Stewie

[crossly] I hate this. When do I get my cookie? I want my cookie so I can go home.

Now please join me in silent prayer and as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent, today's coffee service will not include chewy Chips Ahoy.

Stewie

[furiously, censored] FUCK!

Chris

Hey, Stewie said his first word, and it was a swear!

Peter

Well, this is unacceptable! We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast! Unbelievable! [Walks out of the church and enters the car] Let's go!

Stewie

It's time I got back out there again. I've had one beer my whole life! That's not normal!

Nothing about you is normal.

Stewie

I mean, I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him!

There's only been a year of your life.

Stewie

You know, all of your responses have been very similar, so you might want to nip that in the bud.

Hi, can I help you find something?

Stewie

What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.

Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.

Stewie

Yeah, I know that. I'm better than in every place.

Hey, Poopy Thumb!

Stewie

It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?

[chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.

Stewie

Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.

Lois

[offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.

[offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!

Lois

Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...

Stewie

I know you don't understand me but I understand you.

Lois

[takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.

Stewie

[to Lois] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.

Stewie

What's on your shoes?

Oh, these are called laces. I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.

Stewie

I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones! Jeez, why are you always such a dick!?

It takes one to know one.

Stewie

Where did you learn that? That was great!

Chris

I'm home from camp!

Welcome, home!

Stewie

Meg's been wearing your clothes.

Slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.

Stewie

Are you sure? Cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.

Hi!

Hola!

I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch!