Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Vinny, say hello to the new snack captain!

You actually won? Wow! Congrats, Stewie! I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances. How'd you pull it off?

Stewie

It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married and 30% are mistakes. Nobody gets married anymore. One kid doesn't even have parents. He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies. I mean, that's the story I would've told this week, but whatever. Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning.

Chris

This game SUCKS!!

Peter

What are you talkin' about?

Chris

Uh, what universe does this even take place in? EVERYTHING needs to take place in a universe!

Peter

It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl.

Chris

What about the microtransactions that slowly bankrupt our family? Or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece?

Peter

It has two buttons and I have to look down when I press 'em.

Chris

Donkey Kong sucks! I could build the same game on our house.

Peter

Donkey Kong house?

Peter

Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. We needed a damsel.

Stewie

Hey, do I look upset?

I-I may have sent some weird DMs to Zendaya that I'd rather not see the light of day.

Stewie

Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya?

Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B.

I took a shower once. I was so young. When they put me in the tub, I figured it was just to rub my tummy. What a fool I was. They stripped me down like an animal, and that's when things got real. The water just kept coming. I tried to fight back, but I was half-blind from the soap. At first, Peter tried to bathe me from the side, but then he realized it'd be easier if he.. got in! When it was over, they just wiped me down with an old beach towel and threw me in the yard. I didn't get a parade. Hell, I didn't even get a chew toy.

Thank you for your shower.

Don't do this, Stewie. Once you get in that shower, you never come back!

Stewie

Sorry, but I'm taking a shower, with or without you.

Uh, we-we can't afford that U2 song.

Stewie

[sighs] Really?

But they will pay us to play one off their new album.

Stewie

Yeah, that's a big Bon-no.

Stewie

What do you say we hit the Photo Booth and take a couple of funny photos? I've heard they have hilarious props.

No props.

Stewie

Yeah, no props, yeah.

Cleveland

[narration] But Stewie did use props. And they had a big fight about it, and it took a whole other wedding for them to make up again. I'm Cleveland Brown, and I know my show was better than this.

Uh-oh! No tears means no cookies!

Chris

Which also means no cookie business!

Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness.

Meg

Oh, I... I think I'm all set.

Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness?

Meg

Oh, no... no. I... I think we have different problems, dawg.

Chris

I'd hear her out. Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip.

Stewie

Chris, are you selling intimacy projects with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Chris

Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself.

Meg

It goes on dry?

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

Chris

Um... okay.

Stewie

Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.

Chris

Yeah, that... that's... nothing.

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but... go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."

We now return to ER.

Stewie

Edited for eastern medicine.

I need 10 CCs of--

Stewie

Jinseng root.

And somebody set this patient up--

Stewie

Goldfish to nibble his toes.

We're gonna lose him if we can't get our hands on some--

Stewie

Baby elephant bones.

He's coding!

There's just one chance: we need--

Chris

The lady doctors to kiss. I made some tweaks as well.

Lois

You can talk?

Stewie

You can understand me. Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here goes: Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.

Lois

Oh, great. Your first words to me are a grocery critique.

So what joo think? How'm I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?

Stewie

Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

Hey, mailman! No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? The sound wakes me up from my DOGGY NAPS!

Cleveland

No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!! [crash] I'm not even the courier for your postal route. That's Laverne!