Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Okay, Natalia, level with me. Why are you really here?

I have been sent to neutralize liberal jewish dissident Fievel Mousekewitz.

Stewie

Oh. Well, the only mouse in this neighborhood is our innocent neighbor, Frank Maxwell.

Comrade Mousekewitz! Did you think you could run forever?

I, uh, I think you've got the wrong mouse. I'm just regular old Frank Maxwell, and I'm very late for work! Good day, ma'am.

Stewie

Whoa! You killed him?

That was not me. Someone else got to him first.

[stomping out cigarette] Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!

Peter

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Under parody law, in order to use someone else's character in an unlicensed fashion, we have to provide something called "commentary." The commentary here is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.

Stewie

Brian?

Lock door!

Why would I... [gets shot]

Stewie

Brian!

[barges into Chris & Meg kissing] No kissing on the bed.

Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.

Quagmire

[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

I want to read a few words.

Quagmire

Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.

Anyway, I want to...

Quagmire

[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...

Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!

It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...

Ooh, says the man!

Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...

I identify as a basketball!

Humans and basketballs...

I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!

Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...

"Whatever"? It's whoever.

Actually, it's whomever.

All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?

Now you're tone policing us!

That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!

[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...

Stewie

[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.

I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!

I'd like to see you try.

Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.

Lois

You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.

Stewie

See? I guess we do know each other a bit.

You seem like a very lonely little boy.

Stewie

[in tears] Oh my God, I am! I'm so lonely! [cries] You can see inside my soul!

Stewie

Brian, hurry!

Stewie, I'm in Chris' body. I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.

Chris

I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!

Peter

If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.

Lois

Ok.

Peter

And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.

Meg

[sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

Peter

And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.

Stewie

Is anyone gonna stop him?

Peter

And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.

What about me?

Peter

You're a dog.

Lois

[offscreen] Well, I’m good.

Stewie

Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?

That one. The tiny button.

Stewie

Wait, did you press the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?

I hit the button that says "tiny". You said, "hit the tiny button".

Stewie

Exactly! I didn't say "hit the big button that says 'tiny'"! I said, "hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is gonna shrink us down to microscopic size!

Well, why would you make the tiny button big?

Stewie

I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!

Meg

[telling her family about the Olympic team] I'm a bi...

Stewie

Knew it.

Meg

...athlete.

Stewie

Didn't know it.

There she is, the wealthiest heiress in all of Newport. The holy grail for guys like us.

Stewie

Who is she?

That's Margaret Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trapp Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.

Stewie

[gasps] My God! You mean, the heir to the Woolworth Carrington von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston Compte de Saint-Exupery Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt Von Trap Wykenhamp Hearst Montgomery Rothschild Johnson & Johnson Twillsworth Dolce Gabana Von Zweiger II Montgomery de LaRoche Geico Vanderbilt Lannister van Burean Butterworth How I Met Your Mother Wrigley Louise-Dreyfus Ludwig Morgan Stanley Dumont Lamborghini Forbes Higbee Winthrop Chanel Remy Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy Motel Six Fairchild Brook Pritzker Davenport von Stolen Monty Python Ellisworth Aston Martin Haverbrook Ziff Launder Hilton DuPont Kinkaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair Mellencamp Starbucks van Dyke III Montgomery Marriott Barrington Chadsworth Big League Chew Chesterfield Kensington Boothbishop Longbottom Nottingham Meisterburger Burgermeister Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis fortune?

Exactly. She goes by "Pip".

Stewie

Pip?

Pip.

Joe

Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?

Quagmire

Joe, who don't you shut the...

Stewie

Tell me more about this silly word.

For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic discs…

Stewie

I... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.

Stewie

These are things you don't say to a baby.

Peter

Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.

Stewie

Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. The last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.

Peter, that's your 50th bag. What could possibly be in there?

Peter

Oh, have you not heard?

Stewie

Brian, no!

Wait a minute, didn't we destroy that?

Peter

I glued it. Surfin' Bird, ahh, ahh, ahh, finds a way.

Stewie

Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.

It's they.

Stewie

Good for they.