Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Chris

Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.

Peter

Oh yeah? Him and what army?

Chris

The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]

Peter

Oh, that's a good army.

Lois

You're drunk again!

Peter

No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois

Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!

Peter

That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!

Peter

Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]

What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!

I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Peter

Yep.

Joe

Yep.

Quagmire

Yep.

Cleveland

Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

Lois

[after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.

Peter

How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.

Lois

Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.

Peter

OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Lois

Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.

Peter

[imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!

Stewie

Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.

[imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Peter

You just hit me!

Lois

That's right!

Lois

You can't hit me, I'm a girl!

Peter

Sometimes I wonder.

Meg

I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]

Peter

Who was that guy?

Lois

Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.

Peter

I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.

D.

Peter

-ot.

Dot.

B.

Peter

-et.

Bet.

Peter

Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?

P.

Peter

-it.

Pit.

Peter

Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ

F.

Peter

-at.

Fat.

Peter

Oh, that's it, buddyǃ

There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?

Stewie

Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.

Stewie

The port is quite good.

Yes, quite good.

Chris

Indeed.

Peter

Most certainly.

What year is it?

Chris

'51.

Ah.

Peter

Delectable.

Stewie

Indeed.

Chris

Yes.

Peter

[catches fire] Oh, dear!

What is it?

Peter

I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie

Oh, I am sorry.

Peter

Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie

Ah, very good then.

Chris

For the best.

Yes, indeed.

Stewie

Oh, is it raining again?

Lois

[to Carol] Don’t worry, Carol, we’re almost there. [noticing the car has stopped suddenly] Peter, why are we stopped?

Peter

[talking to the drive-thru ordering speaker] Uh, yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers..

Lois

Peter, for God sake, she’s having a baby!

Peter

Oh, yeah, that’s right. And a kid’s meal. And I guess I’ll have fries. [to Lois and Carol] If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don’t want to be the only one eating them, I feel like a fatty.

Peter

[after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!

Lois

What? What?!

Peter

[holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!

Peter

But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]

Lois

[takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Peter

I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.

Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.

Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?

Peter

[internally] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doing' your wife... [aloud] Doin' your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?

Meg

Oh, my God!

Carter

He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter

Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.