Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Carter

[off-screen] Listen up! Everyone in the van! We're taking Tatum to the zoo!

Lois

[angry] The zoo?

Peter

[enters] The zoo? Why are we returning Chris? Hey, Mike, you hear?

Peter, what are you doing up there?

Peter

Preston, I'm glad you're here. I'm about to test the prototype for "desk-poline".

Peter

Desk will need to be bouncy.

You know what "GILF" means, right?

Yeah. "God, I Love Fentanyl".

Peter

You said it, pal.

Lois

Where did you get all this money?

Peter

It was easy. I took out a reverse mortgage, which is that thing where ya house gives ya free money.

Lois

Peter, how could you be so stupid?! Reverse mortgages are a total scam! Now, you need to call the bank right away, and take that Mr. Potato Head back.

Peter

I can't. I wrote "Best Spuds 4 Life" all over the box! I almost love the box as much as the guy now.

Lois

Peter, we could lose our house!

Peter

Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck made a video for the wives wearin' his signature short shorts.

[on video] Hello, wives, I'm--

Lois

Sold!

Cleveland

You forgot your anniversary again.

Peter

Yeah, and what's worse, I lied and I told Lois I had an awesome gift planned for tonight. If I don't come up with somethin' amazing, I am so screwed.

Joe

Hey, you want to give Lois a treat? Popcorn-ucopia. Now, they're a little outfit out there in Fort Wayne, Indiana, family owned and operated for five generations over there in the "crossroads of America." Indiana's state motto. And get this. They make a metal cannister with three different kinds of popcorn, but they're separated!

Cleveland

Maybe you should just take Lois out to a fine restaurant.

Joe

Now, I can hear some of you saying, "Joe, why separated?"

Quagmire

None of us are sayin' that, Joe.

Joe

Okay, here's why. Three flavors of popcorn in one tin, and they don't mix. Unless, of course, you want them to mix. This is a home run, man.

Quagmire

[to Peter] Kind of short notice to get a good table in any restaurant.

Joe

I don't think you appreciate that they don't mix. Your caramel corn stays separate from your cheese corn, which stays separate from your corn corn. You see, in the past, you would need three tubs of corn.

Quagmire

Yes, we get it! We know about the corn, Joe!

Joe

[chuckles] Honestly, I don't think you do.

Meg

I'm excited to start shooting these videos with you.

Peter

Yeah, um, about the videos, I couldn't help but notice that you've got me squatting on generic Jell-O, not the name brand.

Meg

Does it make a difference?

Peter

[chuckles] Ho-ho-ho, d-does it make a difference? You're adorable. And why am I snorting regular cocaine when I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine?

Meg

There's no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine.

Peter

Yeah, tell that to Chris Farley's autopsy photo. [starts bleeding from his nose]

Meg

Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.

Peter

Yeah, that's allergies. I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine.

Meg

What did you tell Dad?

Lois

Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone. I got him his favorite babysitter.

Peter

Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9.

The note says 9.

Peter

Not if it's special, and we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.

The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.

Peter

I'm allowed to watch Coco, and it's basically the same thing. [slams door]

Peter

Me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows. We talk about interesting stuff all the time! Just this past weekend, we were talking about how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale. Well, it's actually very simple. Chip's nose is black and Dale's nose is red. And if you need help remembering, you say chocolate chip! The Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts, but that's Tuesday's show.

Lois

Oh, please! All men run outta things to say to each other after 20 minutes.

Peter

Oh, yeah? Well, if guys is so bad at talkin', how come Regis Philbin is still yappin'?

So, Joy hands me a box and I open it, and it's the same Dawn sweater from LAST Christmas! Can you believe that?! Comin' up, Angels David Boreanaz. Look at Kathie Lee; she's fanning herself!

Lois

Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don't need a television anymore.

Meg

Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. Everyone just streams now on their individual devices.

Peter

Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?

Meg

Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era.

Peter

I see.

Quiet up there!

Peter

Sorry. Just demonstrating I'm still relevant by making a very old movie reference.

Look, I'm here because now that I don't have any viewers or a job, I need you to take care of me.

Lois

What, is that some kind of rule?

Peter

Of course it is, Lois. In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, you have to take care of them. It's the pilot of most shows.

Lois

Oh, really? Name 50.

Peter

New Girl, Two and a Half Men, Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers, Frasier, Will & Grace, Friends, Joey, Home Economics, Mom, Dads, Cheers, Hope & Faith, Raising Hope, Full House, Fuller House, King of Queens, ...

That's good. I ... I think we get it.

Peter

Oh, no, no. No, this is a name all 50 kind of show ... Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy, The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere, The United States of Al, Yes Dear, Down and Out in Beverly Hills: The TV Series, Rhoda, Golden Girls, ALF, Meego, Empty Nest, Wings, My Two Dads, Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie, Off Centre, Webster, The Bernie Mac Show, The Return of Jezebel James, Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth, Union Square, Bram & Alice, The Grinder, $#*! My Dad Says, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Damon, Happy Endings, Big Brother Jake, Three's Company, Mama's Family and Who’s the Boss?.

Lois

Oh, yeah? Name 50 more!

Peter

[sigh] ... Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple, The New Odd Couple, Diff'rent Strokes, and ...

Oh my God! She hung herself!

Peter

Nah, naw. That's from Airplane!. We do that kind of stuff too. You can stay.

Peter

Listen, Meg, I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. But I'm sorry I came here in the first place. Everyone deserves a place of their own and I get that now. I promise I'll treat you better in the future.

Meg

You know, we've had conversations like this again, and again, and nothing ever changes. You're a terrible father! And I'm counting the days 'till I move out of this house.

Peter

Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, I tell you I love you in sign language?

Meg

[touched] Oh, I love you, Dad! [hugs Peter]

Peter

[narration] But this never happened, because no one resuscitated me. I did wake up eventually, but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. I spend most of my days gettin' walked around by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone.

[offscreen] Whoa, hold up! Mom gave YOU the necklace?

Peter

That's her now.

Peter

So this whole time our love was fake? Like COVID?

Lois

Um, what?

Peter

Don't follow me. I need to go someplace and cough for a while.

Lois

Okay, I won't.

Peter

I thought I smelled a rat but I actually can't smell anything. I tell ya, this has left a real nothing-taste in my mouth.

Lois

I think you might have COVID.

Peter

Liar!

Lois

Oh, Peter! [laughs] Oh, Peter!

Peter

Oh! FRANCIS!

Lois

[shocked and confused] Did... did you just call me Francis?

Peter

l don't know what l said, Lois, it was the '90s!

Lois

It was 10 seconds ago.

Peter

Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.

Lois

Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?

Peter

Holy crap, l think you're right. I guess l must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. [Lois glares at Peter fearfully and nervously] So... [picks up the hat] Where were we?

Lois

[Peter attempts to kiss her, but Lois pushes him back] No, Peter, l just... l need a minute. [Peter looks down disappointed and starts to leave] Leave the hat.

Lois

Look, we are shoppin' for new pants. I can't believe you showed the entire Church your bare ass.

Peter

Well, l'm just glad everything is back to normal. [Pull back to show Peter wearing his ruined pants]

Lois

[angrily] No, it isn't! You didn't even change your pants! [Turns Peter around to show duct tape on his butt] I mean, look at you! You're a mess! You are lucky we married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.