Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Chris

VHS? What do those letters stand for?

Peter

That information has been lost to victory.

[reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?

Peter

Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|

Peter

I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.

His name, you remember.

Peter

Okay, Brian. What do you get for me?

Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.

Peter

Boy, that's a brick on the backboard. Chris, what do you got?

Chris

I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.

Peter

Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heartstrings.

Meg

Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.

Peter

Wait...what is this?

Lois

Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.

Peter

Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.

Meg

Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.

Lois

Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.

Peter

Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.

Lois

How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise?!

Peter

This is a loud way to say thank you.

Chris

The neighbor's sprinkler ruined whatever this is.

Peter

Not so fast, Chris. I don't give up that easily.

Chris

Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.

Peter

I give up.

Peter

Whoa!

Cleveland

Careful.

Lois

Chris? What - oh, who cares? We're in Vermont till Sunday. Call if you have to but, like, let's not call.

Chris

Can we only brush our teeth for 60 seconds instead of the full 90?

Peter

You brush your teeth? Nerd.

Tom Tucker

Okay, final question. Team 3. Who is your child's favorite singer?

Peter

[puts his board up to show the crowd] The Price is Right Yodeler.

Chris

What? No. I said Adele. [puts his board up]

Peter

Judges?

Lois

Oh, this is more humiliating than my first day working at that Rice Pilaf Company.

Lois

I think we could start putting pilaf in other things.

Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?

Peter

I told you not to rock the boat over there.

Cleveland

Peter, where are we going?

Peter

[offscreen] Relax, it's our nation's capital. I'm just a fan of history!

Cleveland

Uh, Peter, what are you up to?

Peter

What? I just love our government! Or at least I used to!

Chris

This game SUCKS!!

Peter

What are you talkin' about?

Chris

Uh, what universe does this even take place in? EVERYTHING needs to take place in a universe!

Peter

It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl.

Chris

What about the microtransactions that slowly bankrupt our family? Or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece?

Peter

It has two buttons and I have to look down when I press 'em.

Chris

Donkey Kong sucks! I could build the same game on our house.

Peter

Donkey Kong house?

Peter

Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. We needed a damsel.

Stewie

Hey, do I look upset?

Chris

Keep my name out your fucking mouth!

Peter

Wow, dude. It was a zoo joke.

Homer, you've got company.

Homer

D’oh.

Yes, I won’t.

Peter

[to Bob Belcher] Oh, Thanks.

Homer

[to Peter] Well, I don’t know.