Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

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[The loudest channel Starts blowing the Griffins away.] PREVIOUSLY ON NCIS...

Peter

Ah, son of a bitch!

Chris

[with a bloody ear] DAD, IT HURTS!

Lois

I love you Peter!

Peter

[Now with a bloody nose] I'm Browning out. See you on the other side!

Stewie

[crossly] I hate this. When do I get my cookie? I want my cookie so I can go home.

Now please join me in silent prayer and as we settle into the silence, I remind you that in honor of Lent, today's coffee service will not include chewy Chips Ahoy.

Stewie

[furiously, censored] FUCK!

Chris

Hey, Stewie said his first word, and it was a swear!

Peter

Well, this is unacceptable! We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast! Unbelievable! [Walks out of the church and enters the car] Let's go!

Lois

You can't bring a cat to church!

Peter

Why not? He's cat-olic!

Peter

Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just get a former Batman and move on. I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.

Lois

Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman. That has been pitched every day since Adam West died and the response has been tepid at best.

Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.

Peter

Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?

Lois

Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.

Peter

If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.

Lois

Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!

Peter

Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.

Chris

Same.

Peter

[while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.

Peter

Alright, time to put up the 2020 Christmas Decorations. First, ethnically accurate Jesus goes right here next to Father Mary and Mother Josephine, followed closely by the Three Genderless Wise-people on their Bird Scooters, Tig Notaro for some reason, and of course, The Little Drummer Them, because God forbid we call a boy a boy.

Chris

Dad, what are you say-?

Peter

[interrupting] I DON'T LIKE WHAT THE WORLD IS! I'M WHITE! WHEN'S IT GONNA BE OUR TURN!?

There's not left for me in this world. I lost my job. I lost my house. My wife left me for a bigger cock.

Peter

[looks towards the audience] Cocks are chickens!

I'm better off dead.

Peter

Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh?

I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.

Peter

[upset] No! I want Jerry!

Lois

Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.

Peter

[lying on the floor] I'm not gonna! I hate you!

Lois

[annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.

Lois

Peter, you have to get a haircut.

Peter

Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.

Meg

I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.

You would what? And with who?

Meg

Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

Peter

New shirt, Cleveland?

Cleveland

Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.

Peter

Hey, can somebody change the channel? I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovations shows.

Quagmire

What's wrong with them?

Peter

Besides their lack of Kermits? Lots of things.

Peter

Wow, Cleveland, I had no idea you played baseball! Too bad you couldn't hit a home run with The Cleveland Show.

Cleveland

Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff.

Joe

More of a foul out.

Cleveland

It. Was. A. Double!

Lois

It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?

Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.

Peter

Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Oh my god, No.

Chris

Dad, can I ask you something about girls?

Peter

Are you wearing a wire?