Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
I thought that was meatloaf.
Someday Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.
It's like that movie, "The Birds!"
Except with cats.
Drainada?
That's right. The Spanish Drano.
Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?
In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.
If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.
You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.
Revenge? Success, the best revenge.
[about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?
Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.
You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
No.
OK.
It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.
My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.
What you doin'?
Fixin' the table. All done.
Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?
Good as new.
Did you fix that noise yet?
Quiet as a mouse.
[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]
How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Works for Magnum P.I.
Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...
[Caruso]'s a cat-lover?
It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.
I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?
For $25 an hour? I don't think so.
The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.
How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
What's that?
It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
You could toilet-paper his house.
Too dangerous.
You could egg him on the way home.
Too obvious.
Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Too typical.
[to Chris] According to your test results, you put the "upid" in "stupid."
Do you know how many broke people went to college?
Not really.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.