GC George Carlin
[on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...
"Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"
GC George Carlin
[on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.
I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.
Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."
Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.
Number 1 had hit the fan.
C Chantal
How come you don't like me?
I don't know. I just don't.
C Chantal
It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?
C Chantal
Do you think I'm dumb?
C Chantal
Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.
Never stopped Danny DeVito.
What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.
RF Redd Foxx
[on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"
I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.
RF Redd Foxx
[on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"
RF Redd Foxx
[on record player] She said, "Christmas..."
A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.
Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.
If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.
If you could add and subtract, you could do this!
My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.
[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]
If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!
[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]
Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.
[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]
If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!
[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]
Baby, you forgot your parachute!
What difference does it make?
What difference does it make?
Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"
Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.
Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.
Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.
When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...
This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.
Chris, what kinda answer is that?
The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.
All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.
And I'm gonna get sliced.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.
Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
