Ms. Morello quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

This year, my holiday gift to you is a homework assignment.

Narrator

I'm glad I didn't get her anything.

Chris

How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?

Greg

Just ask somebody.

Chris

I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.

Narrator

I even asked Ms. Morello.

Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.

Narrator

Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?

It looks like you're going to Tattaglia after all.

Chris

But this isn't fair!

I know, but always remember this: When you get to the other side of the river, the streets of heaven will be lined with gold for you, me, and all God's children.

Narrator

I was still in shock, so I didn't have the presence of mind to smack her upside the head and run.

Rochelle

[to Mr. Perkins] Where are you gettin' this information?

Narrator

I'll tell you where he's gettin' it.

Unfortunately, I think Chris is a crack baby. The mother's a little delusional. Her brain is addled by years of drug abuse and cheap wine spo-dee-o-dee. She's actually convinced herself that she has a husband who works two jobs and that they own a house in the ghetto. You can't believe a word she says.

[overjoyed] Oh, my God! Chris!

Narrator

It'd be 20 years before another woman had that reaction.

Chris

I need to change homerooms.

Oh, what's the problem?

Chris

Mr. Thurman hates me.

Narrator

Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

I thought you had about as much chance of working with the football team as Boy George does of joining Quiet Riot, but you did it!

Narrator

And oddly enough, so did Boy George.

Chris, you're excused from all of your classes. Professor Lee will be taking them for you.

Chris

Is he smart?

Chris, he's Asian. If you could turn his smart into black, he'd be darker than Yaphet Kotto in a pot of chocolate.

Chris

Cool.

Narrator

If Yaphet Kotto fell into your pot of chocolate, how would you know?

Narrator

While everyone else took the test, I took out the answers, and after the test results were in, I got called out.

Oh, Chris, I just never would have expected this out of you. I just don't see how you could do this.

Narrator

When you're about to go down for a crime, everybody knows it's best to throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Chris

Ms. Morello, I can explain. This test meant a lot to my mother.

I bet it did, and she must be proud of you. A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school! You're like a little chocolate Einstein!

Narrator

More like chocolate Pinocchio.

I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and...

Chris

Yeah, I know. Detention.

No, that would be too easy. I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team, and as your punishment, you can go on losing along with them. Listen, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.

Narrator

Too late!

[to Judge Watkins] And I don't know who you are, but I love a black man in a suit. Call me!

Narrator

Just about everything I went through at school was hard. The work was tough.

Chris

"Q"?! What's a "Q"?!

Narrator

The people were mean.

Chris

[to Greg] Go ahead. [Greg runs off] [Chris tries to get out of the way but Caruso blocks him every time.] [annoyed] Are we havin' a fight or a dance-off? [Caruso punches him]

Caruso

You know I can't dance.

Narrator

But the one thing about school that was harder than anything else...

Rochelle

Chris, wake up.

Narrator

...was gettin' there.

Rochelle

It's time to go to school. You can't learn nothin' in bed.

Narrator

Tell that to Kim Kardashian. While most kids were still sleepin', I had to get my clothes on, wash may face, brush my teeth, eat...

Chris

[stopping a bus] Hey-hey-hey! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! Wait, wait! [shows bus ticket, and the bus door opens.]

Narrator

...and then catch three buses. If I got the first one on time, it gave me just enough time to catch the second one which usually made me right on time to catch the third one. And if nothing went wrong, I'd be on time.

Greg

Hey, Chris.

Chris

[to Greg] Hey. [to Mr. Thurman] After you.

[to Chris] You're late. Now go to the principal's office and get a tardy slip.

Here. [gives Chris a tardy slip.] Just for the record, Chris, you can't afford to be late again. The clocks in this school are set to Eastern Standard Time, not C.P. Time.

Chris

What difference does it make if I'm late? We took all our tests. We only got, like, one more week to go.

Counting today, you have been late 29 times this year, and 30 is the limit. If you're late again, you will not be promoted. You will have to repeat the 10th grade.

Chris

[outraged] Say what?!

[sticking to her guns] Say word.

Narrator

Oh, there's a word I wanna say, all right!