Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Greg

I'm gonna do what I do every Christmas at the old folks' home.

Chris

What's that?

Greg

Pose for pictures dressed as baby Jesus.

Narrator

I posed for pictures as big baby Jesus. R.I.P., ODB.

Chris

Mom, Kathleen Devereaux, 551 East 63 Street.

Greg

Dude, that's on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Do you know what kind of people live there?

Narrator

White people and Spike Lee.

And who are you?

Chris

Oh, I'm Chris.

Welcome to my home, Chris.

Chris

Looks like a department store.

Well, this is my favorite time of year.

Narrator

I tried to bring Greg up to speed on the new direction of the South.

Greg

Down South? You mean, like, across the Mason-Dixon Line?

Chris

Yeah. You know, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.

Greg

Mississippi? Are you trying to get yourself killed? You going to Mississippi is like me going to... hmm, I don't know, Mississippi.

Greg

Dude, once a friend, always a friend. It's the Westermarck effect.

Chris

West what?

Greg

Edward Westermarck. He was a scientist. He concluded that when two people live together in close proximity during the early years of life, they will never become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Narrator

That means I still have a chance with Shakira.

Julius

I've got good news.

Rochelle

You finally kicked the gout?

Julius

No.

Tonya

Chris isn't your real son?

Julius

No.

Drew

Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?

Julius

No.

Chris

Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?

Julius

No. I am Employee of the Month.

Tasha

I don't think you're supposed to have your feet on the table.

Chris

Ain't nobody ask you.

Young man, I'm gonna have to ask you to take your feet off the table.

Chris

What if I don't feel like it?

Then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Chris

[stands up] What if I don't feel like doing that, either?

You're with the Employee of the Month, aren't you?

Rochelle

What is goin' on over there?

Julius

Is that Chris?

Rochelle

[outraged] What?

Rochelle

[yells] CHRIS!

Chris

[angrily] WHAT?!

Rochelle

Hey, baby.

Chris

[weakly] Ma?

How's everything going in here?

Rochelle

Doctor, is he going to be okay?

[about the X-ray of Rochelle's shoe stuck in Chris' butt] Well, I think we'll be able to get it out, but you won't be able to wear that shoe again. Hang in there, big guy.

Rochelle

How you feeling, sweetie?

Chris

Not too good.

Rochelle

Well, why were you acting like that?

Chris

Just trying to impress Tasha.

Rochelle

[confused] By acting like an idiot?

Chris

No. She said she liked bad boys, like Flavor Flav. Trying to act like him.

Narrator

Without the money.

Rochelle

Baby, you can only be who you are. If she doesn't want you, then you don't want her.

Narrator

That day, I learned the most important lesson in life: Be yourself, or get a pump in your ass.

Rochelle

Mommy's gonna get you some ice chips, okay?

Narrator

Better get a shoehorn, too.

Rochelle

[to Tasha] Hi, sweetie.

Tasha

[to Rochelle] Hi. [to Chris] Hey, Chris.

Chris

Tasha?

Tasha

Yeah. Are you okay?

Chris

Yeah, I'll be fine. I just wanted to apologize for acting like such an idiot. Forgive me?

Tasha

Yeah, it's okay. That's what friends are for.

Narrator

Thanks, Dionne Warwick.

Tasha

[seeing Chris' X-Ray.] Is this your X-ray?

Chris

Yeah.

Tasha

Boy, you so crazy.

Narrator

Crazy like a boy with a shoe up his butt.

Chris

So, have you ever kissed anyone?

Greg

[Scoffs] Have I? You gotta be kidding me.

Chris

[Flatly] Cousins don't count.

Greg

Oh. Then no.

Chris

What do you know about Gretzky?

Drew

Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."

Chris

What's in it?

Drew

Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.

Chris

Sounds awful.

Drew

I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.

Chris

Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.

Drew

This doesn't look like Long Island.

Chris

It's not. This is Coney Island!

Narrator

If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.

Rochelle

[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

Narrator

No pumpernickle?

Rochelle

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Narrator

Hot sauce?!

Rochelle

...cinnimon,

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Rochelle

...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.

Chris

Hot sauce?

Julius

[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Tonya

Yep, ten rolls.

Julius

[smiles] Good girl.

Drew

Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Chris

Malvo!

Malvo

What?!

Chris

I've decided to help you.

Malvo

[to a kid he's frightening] Looks like I won't be needing you after all, four-eyes!

Julius

What are you doin' to save the Earth?

Chris

I'm recycling cans, and the money I make I'm going to use to help the environment.

Narrator

Just like the Republicans.

Chris

How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?

Greg

Just ask somebody.

Chris

I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.

Narrator

I even asked Ms. Morello.

Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.

Narrator

Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?

Narrator

When it came to dances, there were two kinds: the white kind and the black kind.

Chris

Why would I go to that dance, anyway? It's just a bunch of people who hate me, hating me in a room while dancing.

Narrator

We could film it and call it Dancing with the Bigots.