Chris Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Chris

Hey, Greg. What's up?

Greg

My dad's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. Not looking forward to it.

Chris

Why not?

Left, right, left heel, right, left, right...

Greg

[angrily] Why didn't you wake me up?

Chris

You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

Greg

That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!

Chris

Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]

Narrator

Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

Greg

Hey, I just got a nickname!

Chris

Hey, you just got robbed!

Julius

How was it havin' Greg over?

Chris

Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!

Drew

And I want my bed back!

Tonya

And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.

Julius

Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!

Drew

And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!

Tonya

And that little TV show NOVA was boring!

Rochelle

I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!

Narrator

I decided on an ultimatum.

Chris

Doc, listen. I come in on time and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not gonna give me a raise, I'm gonna have to leave. It's a matter of principles.

Doc

Is that an ultimatum?

Narrator

Well, is it?

Chris

Yeah.

Mr. Fong

What are you doing?

Chris

Oh, I finished the dishes, so I decided to start my homework.

Mr. Fong

No homework! You have work-work!

Chris

But Doc always let me start my homework.

Mr. Fong

Well, you are not at Doc's anymore! Go fix the menu numbers!

Narrator

I was gettin' minimum wage and havin' minimum fun.

Chris

Mr. Fong, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Fong

All talk and no work makes Chris unemployed.

Julius

You just can't quit every time you don't like something. What if Miles Davis quit the trumpet?

Chris

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit Lucille? What if Paul Robeson quit "Ol' Man River?" What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit "pityin' the fool?" What if Stevie quit Wonderin'? What if Fat Albert quit the Cosby Kids? What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doin' the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit the Supremes?

Julius

Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.

Chris

You get my point.

Mr. Fong

Lionel Richie, you're back just in time for another delivery.

Chris

I'm not goin' back out there. This neighborhood is too dangerous for deliveries. You're basically sendin' me out there with a sign sayin', "Hey, I got money. Please rob me." Plus, I almost got shot.

Mr. Fong

My nephew has been shot by the Chinese army seven times.

[speaking Chinese] In the face!

Narrator

He should stop attackin' China.

Man, I was glad to see you. When I first got here, I thought it was gonna be like my last school, where I was the only black kid. They really gave me a hard time over there! I got beat up almost every day.

Chris

Same here.

Chris

I told you I'd be back.

Greg

Yeah, but for how long, Chris? For how long?

Narrator

That concludes another episode of "As the Nerd Turns."

Chris, you must be so happy. You must feel just like Jackie Robinson when Larry Doby arrived.

Narrator

More like Robert Parish when Dennis Johnson showed up.

Chris

Who's Larry Doby?

He was the second black man in baseball, but he was taller than Jackie... and more... strapping. His strong shoulders and Nubian profile, his Cleveland Indians uniform complimented by the rich caramel color of his skin, and the way he swung his bat.

Narrator

Forget jungle fever, she's havin' a jungle seizure!

Chris

What do you want me to say? We have a lot in common. He gets stuff that you don't.

Greg

Like what?

Narrator

Sickle cell anemia.

Narrator

Ms. Morello was right. Hangin' out with Albert was cool, but I still felt bad about fightin' with Greg.

Caruso

There goes the neighborhood.

Hey, my dad's got an extra ticket to the Knicks game. He said I could bring somebody. You wanna go?

Chris

Are you kidding me? Heck yeah, I wanna go! Thanks, man.

Chris

I changed my mind about the game.

I didn't really wanna go with you anyway!

Narrator

This is just like when Bobby Brown left New Edition.